P.P.S. - I need to clarify something. I don't necessarily expect this guy to love me, or for me to love him, but I'm not okay with the idea that she might one day choose to spend time with him instead of with me. She says she won't, but again, my trust issues are telling me otherwise, and the fact is that the future will change, and she may feel differently in the future than she does now. I think the most hurtful thing that cold happen would be for her to be in love with this guy, and in a romantic relaitonship with him, and make a choice to spend the night with him instead of with me, or something similar. That would utterly crush me. After reading this post and talking to me about it, my wife made sure to ask me if I portrayed that situation correctly. She is right. I painted it wrong. To the community: please accept this correction instead of the original
I have problems expressing my true feelings without having somebody to bounce ideas off of. Another reason why I love my wife so much, she helps me understand myself by making sure I'm really saying what I mean.
Also, I might point out that she never spends time with any of her friends to the exclusion of me. If I'm available, she and I either go together, or not at all. This, as far as I am aware, is by her decision, and not by any pressure I put on her. I certainly hope that's how it is, because I would feel like a dick if I was making her do that. Even though this is true now, that doesn't mean it won't change in the future, and that uncertainty is part of what's nagging at me. Fear of The Unknown. Fear of The Uncertain. Fear of being hurt because I have trust issues that throw up red flags at things that should be small.
I just don't want to feel like I'm holding her back from openly loving this guy and spending as much time with him as is appropriate and she is comfortable with. Even though she may not want to spend time with him when I'm available, I will still feel like I should have done something to be not-available so she can enjoy her time with him.
Sorry for the double-post, but I hit the character limit.
Also, I came here because I have no friends or family who would at all understand this, afaik, and therefore, the only person I can talk to about it is my wife, and she already has enough on her plate dealing with her emotions. I don't want to overburden her with mine.
Also, I really don't like the idea that having relationship troubles with one of us can affect the other one, and that having sex with one of us could impact her drive to have sex with the other. I really am interested in sharing her with him, because he's a great guy and I trust him not to hurt her on purpose, but I feel like I'm competing with him, because that's what society and my biology tells me.
I've been really feeling spring hitting pretty seriously. I feel the need to be combative, I feel a huge leap in my sex drive and territoriality, and I feel the need, almost literally, to butt heads with other men. I need to fight. I need to defend my territory.
But what I *need* for those reasons and what I *want* for other reasons are incompatible. I just want to be able to relax and be happy and ride on this energy with her. And once the NRE fades, I just want to be okay with the whole thing. And I might even someday be okay with not having to feel like the primary all the time, but I really want to feel like I'm the primary right now. Dunno why, I just do. I don't want to feel like he's distracting from me or taking energy from her that should be reserved for me. I'm selfish, yes, but I married her. She's my wife for a reason, because I want to focus on her and spend time with her for the rest of my life, and I don't want to feel like I'm not getting the same in return.
I can see this wreaking total havoc on our relationship, and that's why I'm so afraid and why I want to make it go the f**k away and leave me in peace. And I'm afraid that if this relationship with her friend doesn't work out, then another one will happen and it will just happen all over again. Or maybe even worse, that she'll have me and her friend from school, and fall in love with another man (or woman), and it will get even more complicated. I'm so irrational, but this is what I need help dealing with.
Last edited by SimpleSimian; 04-05-2010 at 03:10 AM.