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Old 12-12-2013, 11:06 PM
Amanita Amanita is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: All over the place
Posts: 27
Default Hello from a startled spouse

Hi everyone,

I'm Amanita, and I'm new to polyamory. I found my way here with the help of some lovely people who answered my plaintive questions elsewhere on the internet. Some background:

My husband (Astraeus) and I have been together nearly 12 years, and married for seven, and we have a young child. About six months ago, my husband realised he had feelings for a friend, Daedalea, (who is polyamorous). He decided he wanted to tell her about his feelings, and did so, and discovered that she had feelings for him too. They both wanted to pursue their feelings for each other.

This all came as a total shock to me, and Iíve really struggled with it since my husband told me about his feelings. A lot of the struggle is to do with my upbringing and background, and the fact that Iíve never ever thought that polyamory would become part of my world. However, throughout the whole process, Astraeus has been honest and open with me about his feelings and actions, and he hasnít gone behind my back in any way. Weíve talked a LOT about things, and strangely enough, this whole process has seen our relationship gain new life (weíve both struggled with depression in recent years, and our relationship had become reduced to a sort of apathetic, going-through-the-motions affair). Iíve also talked a lot with Daedalea, and we have become quite good friends too in the process Ė sheís a lovely person and I can see why they are attracted to each other, and how happy they are in each otherís company.

After all the talking weíve done, and exploring the ideas around polyamory, nearly two months ago I gave Astraeus and Daedalea the freedom to pursue a relationship together, thinking that I would be able to handle it. However, Iíve found the experience far more confronting and painful than I had ever imagined. The intense feelings of pain, anger, jealousy and fear have been awful and at times turned me into a really scary person. I love Astraeus to bits and donít want to leave him, I just want to find a way to be able to accept this part of who he is (and I hope one day to get far enough to celebrate it), and not let my fear overwhelm me and ruin everything.

I've been lurking around the site for a few days and have read some really great posts which have been incredibly helpful. I'm looking forward to discovering and learning more! I guess my primary aim at this point is to work on getting past my own insecurities so that I don't feel so much anxiety any more about Astraeus and Daedalea's relationship. We are currently trialling our first set of boundaries (intended to help us all feel safe), and that seems to be going pretty well so far.

I should also mention that Daedalea has a partner, Suillus, who is also struggling to come to terms with things. Things are a bit tricky there, as he is currently working far away, so hasn't been part of the getting to know each other process that's been going on between Astraeus, Daedalea and me.

I'll stop here for now. I'm really looking forward to reading more of the discussions and learning (and growing)!

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