My last post was a little confusing. Lots of typos! I am trying to do too much at once. This entire week has been pretty calm. I am going to see my husband's girlfriend on Saturday, but things have calmed down a lot. I asked him if we could limit discussing her for awhile. I have felt too immensed in their stuff and just want to step away. Last week, having her change the day of their night together (both of them asked at the last minute!) brought up more feelings of having to cope and negotiate. These feelings exhaust me. She wanted to chance the day so that she could go to a sex party. I tried not to judge, but I did (in my head, not to her or husband). I thought, why would you want to go to a sex party rather than spend the night with the person you are "in love with?" She has her ways. I have mine. A week without dwelling on it has been liberating.
I spent quite amount of time on a thread here explaining why sex parties - and those involved with them - cross my boundaries. Last week in meditation. my teacher said that you don't have to explain boundaries. You should not explain them. He said, the minute you get into "explaining why" you are making an excuse. As a human, you have every right to make a boundary. You don't need any excuse. And the "excuse" doesn't work anyway.
I had "sex" the other day! Did I write that the other day?
I am back in touch with my married friend. I feel ok about it. I don't feel guilty because (at this point) there is nothing sexual between us. He needs some help emotionally and I am trying to be there for him This time, my boundaries feel much stronger. I'm not compelled to speak to him all the time, everyday, once a week or less is fine. I'm not compelled to push him on things he doesn't want to discuss. I'm not compelled to flirt.
I've been having 'fun" on the internet, but when I reach into myself, I'm not ready even to deeply fall in love again. I don't know if I ever will be LOL! What was funny was that after my friend came over and we fucked, I felt different than I ever had. I was like oK, bye! And I went to the bar to visit with friends. I didn't worry that we would never see each other again. I didn't worry what he thought of me. I didn't feel empty or lonely.