This is an amazing forum of thoughtful and grounded people. Thank you for whomever put this together and has the tenacity to keep it going. I referred it to my other poly friends who are often craving for a stronger sense of community around the topics on this site.
I've been reading through the other posts for the last few days, particularly on the topic of honestly, and have found some amazing discussion and advice. I did want to briefly respond to your amazing thoughts on this particular thread, however, because they were very helpful.
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit
From the time we are children we learn that we get to have our cake and eat it too by lying or hiding things from those we feel would interfere in our quest for happiness. It's deeply ingrained in us by the time we are 20 yrs old.
These two lines of all of the responses rang particularly true for us. My partner is an amazing, thoughtful, loving, sensitive person, but she is also a master at finding ways of getting what she needs and wants in a way to support her long-range vision.
The irony is that I believe her long-range vision is solidly grounded. The issues are that her means of getting there can be hurtful to those that love her. And it seems stressful for her to have to maintain all of those half-truths. Her stories are like a stack of cards precariously placed on top of one another and much of her energy is spent on maintaining that structure. I am trying not to project my feelings onto her, but doesn't that seem like a lot of precious energy wasted on covering your butt?
On a side note, this personality trait has greatly supported her work life, as she is a professional politician at the national level. She climbed the ladder of 'success' at a young age through tenacity and half-truths and brilliant strategy.
While I believe her ultimate desires for us (and for her work) are grounded in a vision of love and hope for a solid future, the challenge seems to be seeing that the values and actions that bring us what we want in our work lives may ultimately set us up for being hurt and unloved in our personal relationships.
We both have a lot of programming to dismantle. And I know I have the power to leave her, but my interest right now is in seeing if we can make this work while maintaining our strength and self-esteem.
Thank you again and look forward to staying active on this site!