OP, the title of your thread is How to handle being vetoed or being on the bad end of an ultimatum
and I think the only way to do that is to avoid situations like that. How? If you are considering dating someone who is poly and already involved in other existing relationships, then you have to ask as many questions of them as possible in order to get a clear understanding of how they work in relationships. I am very wary of partnered poly peeps and my first question is always, "What agreements do you have with your partner that will affect me?" Sure, go out a few times but try to get to know them and how the dynamic of their partnership operates, BEFORE letting yourself get emotionally involved. Also, make sure you have clearly established your own personal boundaries about what is and is not acceptable to you and make sure your potentials know what they are. Know what you will and will not compromise on.
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia
I believe that veto can be used sanely and responsibly to keep toxic and destructive people out of your relationship when your partner may be a bit too wonked out on NRE to see things clearly.
I mean no disrespect to you, because it seems that this view works for you, but whenever I read this statement from people, I can't help but cringe.
See, I think the whole NRE excuse is pure bullshit. Yeah, I know what it's like to be totally enamored of someone, but crying "it's NRE!" as a way to excuse behavior makes me question someone's maturity and intelligence. Just because a person is turned on by someone they just met and is allowing themselves to walk around in a cloud of euphoria doesn't mean they are automatically absolved of all responsibilities in other areas of their life. I just never understand the emphasis many polyfolk seem to place on NRE, NRE, NRE.
I never want to police someone I am involved with, and I will not allow anyone's other partners to police me. So, if I learn that there is any hint at some kind of veto arrangement between a potential lover and any of his partners, or rules about what I can or cannot do with him, I simply will not go there. I would rather exit than waste my time walking on eggshells hoping a metamour approves of me or that they will let that rule go. My time and energy is more valuable to me than that. In addition, I am not someone who feels any need to have a friendship or shared social life with a metamour (if it happens, fine, but don't expect me to be your bff just because I'm boinking someone you also happen to be boinking). So, that is why I try to get a feel for what kind of poly they do BEFORE getting involved on a deeper or emotional level. And I make sure that he and his metamour understand that I have boundaries of my own that need to be respected. If they've opened their relationship and the guy wants to get involved with me, they both have to know that obviously there is a new dynamic in the mix and it simply won't be all about them anymore.