Thanks for the replies. I wasn't sure if I was just venting or what I really needed either. But sometimes I need to just blab and talk for a while before I realize what's really going on.
Then sometimes things happen that remind me, oh yeah, there's more going on than what exactly is happening right now. Well, my gf has been making these accusations at me lately "Don't talk to other people about our problems/business" - I have no idea how she would know I've reached out to anyone. Then today she accuses me of having sex with my boyfriend - another thing I have no idea how she would know.
If you read my previous threads, I have gone through a lot of confusion in the past few yrs. Struggling with my sexuality, thinking I may have been gay but coming to the conclusion that actually all it was was a need to be in complete control of my sexual life and boundaries. I try to be completely honest and up front and I realized I just need to say what my comfort levels are for when and how I want to be intimate. My bf understood that and it brought us closer together. I thought she got that but now she's acting the exact opposite.
She's mad now that she "got used to the way things were" (about 2 yrs ago me telling my bf I need to take things slow for a period of time that lasted about 6 months) and that I want to be physical with my boyfriend again. I agreed we could work together on her jealousy and I would abstain from sex with anyone else. I begrudgingly agreed but did it because she seemed to be having a really hard time and I care about her. I thought a month or two was reasonable, but any time we tried to talk about it it caused a huge fight. It became one of those things you walk on eggshells about because it's so difficult and impossible.
I have been feeling it NEEDS to be discussed, especially because not only do I have an intense desire to be with my boyfriend, but I want to explore with other people too. I feel I've been very patient being sexually monogamous with only her for the past almost two years so I thought it was okay to bring it up again. We have had no time to sit down for a serious conversation lately (no time that wouldn't be completely selfish on my part any way) so I've been putting it off.
Last night was my & my boyfriend's anniversary and we ended up sleeping together. She accused me of it and started a fight saying I betrayed her, I broke her heart, she can never trust me again. I know I should have found time to discuss this with her before it even came up, but I'm finding a hard time sympathizing as much as she wants and feeling the guilt she is trying to put on me. She said "you never compromise" and I said "I compromised for over a year, can you try and compromise for one night?" but she doesn't see it that way. I don't know how much of this was "heat of the moment" talking but she said "This isn't going to work for me. I can deal with you having a boyfriend, but I can't deal with you fucking him."
I said yeah that's not going to work for me either..............
She has never had any other adult relationships before. She doesn't understand NRE and the "honeymoon" phase, and now that that part of our relationship is over, she is taking the lack of over-excitement personally. Her and I got into things really intense when we first got together. A level of intensity that I'm sure is impossible to sustain for a LTR. She doesn't get it. It's not realistic. Now I am paying the price for her unreasonably high relationship standards.
All of this aside, I do the best I can to care for her. We get along really well and are there for each other. I try to help her with any problem she has and make her as happy as I can. I push her to do positive things and help us grow together. I truly do not feel like I am neglecting her or treating her wrong. I have looked to people I trust who know us and have experienced us as a couple to ask if I'm doing okay and they tell me I am seeing things straight.
I think my biggest mistake has been letting her depend on me too much. Because of NRE, I have given her too much leeway to push me in a direction I'm uncomfortable with. Now that things are balancing out and I'm getting up on my own two feet and standing up for what I need, she feels like I'm pulling the rug out from beneath her. I have let a lot of things slide because I thought they would help her grow, and making sacrifices was what she needed to strengthen her confidence and our relationship. But now I'm thinking I should have followed my intuition and that would have helped each of us grow even more.
I don't see things like this as mistakes, to me they are learning experiences. They help me set boundaries and build on what I've got. I feel to her its all the end of the world. It's all such a big production. Everything is a stab in the back instead of a chance to connect. I truly want to understand where she's coming from and help her find happiness, but it's hard when I feel she is not ready to open up and grow. She has refused to admit what she wants in the long run, which is why we've had all this turbulence. It's hard to know what's right and what's going to work if I don't have a basis for her wants and needs. I need to know if our relationship goals are going to align and where compromises can be made to make this work. But I can't read her mind.