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Old 12-10-2013, 07:46 PM
Azzy Azzy is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Azzy,
Welcome to our forum.
Hello, and thank you for the friendly welcome

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Does Newbie know that you and your Primary are romantic/sexual partners?
I spent a lot of time thinking about your question yesterday. Does the Newbie know the Secondary and I are romantic partners? I cannot say with any certainty that she does, especially since she just referred to me as a "friend."

Thinking of what you said about avoiding surprises, I talked to the Secondary again and asked him whether the Newbie actually knows that he and I consider ourselves more than friends.

Then he started getting really vague! He said he doesn't "know how much detail" he "went into with her" and is "not sure" what she thinks! I asked him what he thinks about us, and he said he thought that he and I were in a romantic relationship for the past year or so. At least he and I agree on that.

Then I asked him if the Newbie wasn't tipped off by him saying he had a "wifey," but he said he doesn't use that term around her. My follow-up question was what ever happened to the Newbie's rule of "no making out with/sex with" other people besides her, and then he told me that they also had "no open relationships" and "no dating other people" as guidelines!

What the hell?! Why did I have to interrogate him to hear about this part of the conversation?!

This started a frustrating and almost three-hour-long conversation where I repeatedly told the Secondary that he needs to tell the Newbie that he and I consider ourselves to have a romantic relationship, and he kept being vague about what he wanted to do.

The Primary was around for this and got so pissed off that he said he might just use his veto on my relationship with the Secondary if the Secondary didn't stop playing this game, since the Primary said it's been really hurting him to see me stressed out over the past week. That is the first time the Primary even hinted at vetoing something, so he really must have been concerned.

Finally, I just told the Secondary that I was breaking up with him and we would stay broken up until and unless I had evidence that the Newbie understood we were in a non-sexual but romantic relationship, set boundaries for this relationship, and gave it her blessing.

I also told the Secondary not to talk to me for the next week because stressing out over this has been frying my brain. I am just going to focus on spending quality time with my Primary and relaxing, then try to talk to the Secondary again next week.

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I'd also suggest getting regular updates from your Secondary about how things are going with Newbie and if any changes need to be negotiated. Sometimes people's emotions change unpredictably and you need free-flowing communication channels between the four of you at all times.
I like this suggestion a lot. If we all get to the stage where the Newbie at least knows who the Primary and I really are, I would be glad to have regular check-ups about how everyone feels in this polyship.

Anyway, thank you for replying to my post. Everyone who has replied or voted in the poll so far has really helped me feel clear about what to do here.

Right now, my ideal outcome would be to get back together with the Secondary with the Newbie's blessing, but if that doesn't happen, at least I can shut off this silly soap opera.
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