I just wanted to share my experience with a guy that I see and his wife....I call them Lee and Judy.
First I want to start out by saying infatuation and NRE are one thing. But a lasting love is something altogether different. And- in my opinion, it takes time to realize whether a relationship is going to mature into a emotionally healthy long lasting love connection that each person will be committed to into the future.
For me- when I happen upon one of those, I value it and I adapt myself to the circumstances which are much more complex in the poly world.
So- I met Lee and Judy 4 years ago. She is straight so there was never the thought that she and I would develop an intimate relationship. She also never showed much of an interest in getting to know me well.
But Lee and I did have a connection and we both desired to see how that connection would develop.
As Lee and I began to see each other gradually and it became clear that we are interested in a long term connection, Judy's fears began to come up.
So- at that point, I could either run the other way (which you are saying you are going to do) or I could honor Judy in her process and continue to be authentic and present when Lee and I were able to spend time together.
It took 2 1/2 years for Judy to feel comfortable with Lee spending the night with me.
6 or 8 months after that, they invited me over to their house and we went out to eat, dancing and I spent the night at their house.
She and I had a heartfelt discussion where she admitted her fears and insecurities to me. She told me that she trusts me. That meant a lot to me and it meant a lot to Lee.
The next time Lee and I spent time together, I felt a much deeper connection developing between us.
I guess my bottom line message to you is this:
Things don't always go like I want them to go. Sometimes I have to adapt and let things happen gradually. And- it's not always black or white.
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.