P was over yesterday to work on our volunteer stuff and have dinner.
It was nice to see him and spend time together.
I've finnaly found a space where I accept I am not a priority and time with me will only be when it is convenient for him and will never be a partnership. To manage not yearning and longing and acheing wanting to share my life, I have finally squashed all those emotions.
What comes along comes along.
And it sucks. I'm not crying or acheing.
I'm reminded of how sexually men are often referred to microwaves.. turn em on and they are on until the ding, and women are crock pots... Slow to warm up and slow to cool down. Sexually I've always been a microwave. And now emotionally I fell like a crock pot... I've managed to cool down, and while I still love him and want him in my life, I know it cannot be, and fear that our short encounters will not allow me to warm up emotionally to show him what I feel, and he will take it as rejection.
Working together and dinner was nice, and I appreciated the time. And at same time I felt little connection, as if I were simply going through the motions.
Is this the "manageably unhappy" that some mono with Poly partners refer to?
I could see myself surviving like this, but never again feeling the intense joy, connection, and happiness that was a constant when I offered my whole self to the relationship .