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Old 12-10-2013, 06:16 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

AG-sounds like you made the right choice.
But-since I have been in the role of the wife who was accused of this; I thought I would give some feedback from that side that may not have occurred to you (or any other potential reader).
I'm NOT saying this is what SHE was thinking/doing. But it is an alternate scenario that can arise.

In my situation, I am the V between Maca and GG. Maca found someone he was interested in and they started talking. A few months in he opted to share that info with me (which was directly in conflict with our agreement). It took 4 months before he bothered to give either of us contact info for the other so we could even say hello via email or anything.
Within days of that she decided she should be free to wander through his life at will and I had no right to a say so.
It JUST SO HAPPENED that her decision occurred within a month of me having to go off of my ADD, Depression and anxiety medications suddenly-due to a health issue that needed immediate attention. The health issue didn't require his "full time attention". However-the loss of those other meds in January; quite certainly sent me into a tailspin of depression (suicidal and attempting), out of control anxiety (full scale panic attacks repeat times a day so bad I couldn't leave the bathroom or bedroom).
The doctors HAD WARNED US that this was LIKELY to happen and that I needed to be watched round the clock.

But-he was in NRE and she wanted more and more of his time and attention. She wanted nothing to do with me because I wasn't "her problem".
I wanted nothing to do with her-because the fact that I DID NOT KNOW HER made her presence increase my anxiety issues (not about THEM; just in general).

But-I sure as hell needed GG to stay around.

She spent over a year after that spreading rumors all through our community that I was a controlling, possessive psycho bitch who wanted to have my cake and eat it to, but wouldn't let Maca date. Because he called it off with her when she refused to accept that he temporarily needed to get me through the medical procedures so I could go back on my meds (which I did within a month, but it took another month for all of the meds to even out in my system and my anxiety and depression to level off to normal again).

Two months-which I needed her to stay away from me (and my home which is what pissed her off) for MY HEALTH.
But that was seen as derailing their chances.

There's two key points.
One is the same one that Galagirl made.
Skills. The skills for being a hinge are VERY different than the skills for being a metamour and someone who doesn't have them, will have to deal with the emotional and intellectual changes that happen. It just is that way.
In my case, I had been a metamour. I had not been a metamour with someone I didn't know DURING a time when I was having a major health crisis. The previous health crisis; I already knew the girlfriend and she was supportive and helpful as a friend to me directly. It still meant that they had to derail some of their personal plans, but she didn't mind being home with me for their dates. In fact she enjoyed having me get sexy and romantic pictures for them. But mostly-she knew it was temporary because she also struggles with depression and anxiety and she KNEW I would be at her place to support her when she struggled (which also happened).

Two; we can't always see the issues that someone else is struggling through that impact how they behave. Even a year is a short period of time in terms of a life. I spent 1 year requiring round the clock care due to 3 major surgeries one after the other. That was a time with dating new people wasn't an option for ANY OF US. I couldn't do any of my duties in the household or as a parent. So the guys had to pick up ALL of the slack, maintain their normal responsibilities AND split the time caring for me. An existing relationship that had already been established and was comfortable being involved who we were all comfortable hanging out with as well; would have been fine. But a NEW person would not.

It's important I think to realize, that someone who does dysfunctional relationship behaviors COULD be needing to just do the learning to resolve it. They COULD stay that way indefinitely.
They COULD be struggling through a temporary, short term issue that is creating that seemingly dysfunctional need.
They COULD be struggling through a temporary, long term issue that is creating that dysfunctional need.

It's not always as simple as "what a possessive bitch".
In truth, I'm not possessive. I'm also the only one in our V who isn't. GG isn't possessive of me. But he's VERY VERY possessive of the kids. Maca is EXTREMELY possessive of both.
I'm not possessive.
EXCEPT when I am not ok. When I am having a health crisis, I am absolutely possessive of the two people I know I can trust to make sane, reasonable and rational decisions on my behalf when I am unable to.

It really does pay, when one is wanting a long term, intricately involved relationship, to take the extra time REGARDLESS of NRE, to establish a relationship with each person involved. Because things like medical crisises don't always come in a form of a hospital stay. Sometimes they come in the form of medication changes that you will never see. The person LOOKS fully functioning and continues most of their normal activities. But in fact they are NOT fully functional and they require MUCH more assistance and support. That's something one needs to know is a risk in situations where it is higher risk. So you can assess your own expectations.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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