Why did I fall for this person?
Empathy. We both needed someone at the moment. We had common problems. We were attracted to each other and not to our spouses. We shared the same interests and sense of humor. There was some sort of connection that felt real. The still feels very real. But, as I said, he was lying about lots of stuff, not particularly about his relationship with wife or other stuff, but the fact that he had looked for others when "with" me and had before and probably will again. When I tried to address this as just a friend, he shut me out.
I know he is deeply unhappy. I just hope one day, even if I never see him again, he becomes honest to all those around him. He doesn't even show his true self with his friends. I hope this for his sake, more even than his wife's or my own, because he IS unhappy.
How do we distinguish between truly falling in love with someone and having a connection versus trying to resolve issues from our childhood or acting on weaknesses or just getting certain needs met? Maybe these things are idestinguishable. I tend to stay in very long term friendships and relationships and it takes years to figure out my relationship with any one person.