Thread: Not Dead Yet!
View Single Post
  #35  
Old 12-09-2013, 09:37 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,331
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Whip has told me that he has to put developing his career first . . . But I've been realizing I want someone to put me, and us, first. Not a close second.
It is perfectly okay to want to be first in someone's life, but I wonder - what would you say to someone who was putting their partner first before their own needs for a career, stability, a sense of feeling useful in the world at large, financial security, etc.? Would you encourage that or talk to them about being there for themselves first?

I think wanting to be of central importance to a loved one is probably an urge we have that comes from a very young version of ourselves. And it's good to have the self-awareness to realize this is something you want - but I am not sure it is something to ask for or try to strategize to move toward. I think the more you invest in yourself and your relationship with him, it will reverberate and he will invest more in himself and his relationship to you - but that doesn't mean it will look anything like how you picture "being first" in someone's life. You might discover that he does consider you as a first or top priority in his life, but how he manifests or expresses that might be totally different than what you would expect it to be. So, rather than saying "I want you to put me first," which is rather nebulous, ask yourself what that means, exactly. Specifically, how would he behave and what would he say to show you that you are first? What would change? What expectations would you have? Maybe if you tumble those questions around in your head and figure out, in specifics, what would give you this feeling of being first, you can find ask for those things rather than a blanket "me first" request.

Does that all make sense?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-10-2013 at 02:00 AM.
Reply With Quote