I Don't Understand Chasing Relationships
As I left my husband and was no longer confined by his rule of DADT/keep it a secret from everyone, I started to meet more self-identified poly folks other than swingers I knew. I was amazed at how many, if not all seem to chase relationships, even when they have not fully developed the one(s) they already have or addressed issues they may be having with current partner(s). I don;t understand it.
Before I started to identify as mono, my own wiring was simply to be open to potentially exploring a new relationship that came along. I never ran around chasing them. Now that I also identify as single (how I wish a partnership might be workable with P, even as we utilize counseling to figure it out), I'm not even interested in chasing *any* relationship. I tried OKC and POF, but it just feels so forced and unnatural.
When I was with P as partners and even while planning our handfasting that never happened, I even tried forcing myself for a while to meet others to try to make P happy and to fill the void in my heart and my time when he was not with me. It never felt right. I'm not a casual sex kinda gal, not since I was a teen. Yes, I enjoy making intellectual connections, even non-sexual physically intimate connections - I'm very kinesthetic. Yet the thought of casual hook-ups and even dating that would not lead to a long-term relationship just feels icky (for lack of a better term.)
When I tried POF, I only lasted about a week before I shut it down.
I understand and accept that people are on different spots on the poly-mono spectrum. I embrace that. Yet I still will never understand chasing quantity of or casualness in emotional and/or sexual relationships for myself.
On the other hand - even harder wired monos call my comfort zone for physical intimacy too much... hugs, non-make-out type kisses, joking gropes, snuggles, holding hands, cuddling. I never intend to give that up, yet would be willing to greatly curtail it for a mono-mono relationship that equals me & P in emotional & physical connection if the new partner were uncomfortable with it. Yes, I would miss it with non-partners, but assuming new partner's physical intimacy/actions towards me were as fulfilling as I have felt with P, honoring a more conservative partner's needs would be more important to me.
Even now, I have a close male friend who freely admits he would love a sexual relationship withe me, and he also knows in no uncertain terms that that ain't never gonna happen. He KNOWS that 1 - it would be him cheating on his wife and I won't date a cheater -period! 2 - I'm not attracted to him physically or sexually. 3 - I only want P as a partner.
Yet, he is a great emotional support to me when I need to sit and cry about my relationship with P, and for whom I would drop what I was doing if he truly needed help in return. He and I can sit and lean against each other, occasional clothed spanks or gropes - but never genitals, hugs & a peck on the cheek hello or goodbye. He knows that when I am with P, I'm not gonna sit & message for an hour, and may not even look at his texts until P leaves, but if he really needed me for an emergency to call.
And he enjoys being a domestic boy and serving me in chores and household repairs while wearing his panties. I'm not his domme. But I do allow him the freedom to express that aspect of his personality without judgement, even if "I can't unsee that."
And I have a close female friend that on occasion I enjoy snuggling up to, holding hands, and watching a movie. Yes, I'm bi-curious. Yes, she also wants me sexually. Yes, she is physically HOT. But she also knows that will never happen and we have discussed why -because I'm fluid bonded, and even if I weren't she is a swinger whose STD precaution level is not one I would ever be comfortable exposing myself to. We respect each other's choices and comfort levels.
Yes, for the right partner, I would give up having my male friend wash my windows in his undies, and snuggling/holding hands with my female friend if it were needed to reassure the partner that I am sexually bonded to him. I would not give up talking to & doing remodeling stuff with my male friend, nor would I give up sitting on the couch and watching movies with my female friend... but the partner would always be welcome to tag along. I have nothing to hide, and just because he may have insecurity would not always be a reflection that I had done anything to breach my word or trust, but I would do my damnedest to understand what his needs were to got over it.
Last edited by Monogamish1; 12-09-2013 at 06:39 AM.
Reason: typo corrected massage for message