Originally Posted by Dana
The bigger trouble for me is finding partners who feel similarly. Most people seem okay being with "cheaters" and I think that sort can be toxic to the entire system.
On one level, it is inexplicable to me that cheating is better tolerated than ethical non-monogamy. I don't understand that at a deep level.
Intellectually I get that cheating is part of the mainstream while poly, open, or swinging challenges the mainstream. Everyone (broadly speaking) understands cheating - they may not condone it but they understand. There isn't the painful wrapping one's mind around poly. And I feel it is easier than ethical non-monogamy, definitely in short term and maybe long term for some people who are good at keeping secrets. It's less work personally. You don't have to fundamentally change and grow to cheat.
I don't know. Cheating seems like so much work to me - easier for me to be open and honest.
I also enjoy more casual sex - although it's been a while. I pay attention to my instincts when assessing people. If something seems off, it probably is and I decide accordingly. But, really, most of the time cheaters are pretty up front about it. After all, you're not the person they need to lie to! I'm just not that worried about 'Oops! I slept with a cheater!' I would stop, and tell them why and move on with my life. With Oilman (an former FWB), I slept with someone who was fine sleeping with cheaters. But he wasn't cheating with me on someone else. So I suppose that's as close as I got. It bothered me he was ok with that. But he's an adult and made his own choices. If we had been more than FWBs, it would have been an issue. I don't want a partner who is ok with sleeping with people who are cheating. But a fuckbuddy? Well, it worked for a while.