Unfortunately, you won't love him forever because no emotional is forever. All the people you have grieved. That grief did not last forever.
So, you have found your sexuality. Sometimes you feel insecure. Sometimes when guys on the internet loose interest, you think maybe I need big hair or painted nails, or a perfumed body. Maybe guys don't really like tomboys who read all day. Well, you're not really a tomboy, more like a pixie. Today, you go into the lingerie shop. You have sexy underwear, but no real lingerie. You, generally, do not wear bras. You think bras are uncomfortable and you think it's sexy to show your breasts. In the lineage shop the underwear are all $40. They are largely made of silk. You think, how can women wear these? What if they have their period?
Then, you realize, o! these are pretty clothes for sex. And women spend a lot of money on clothes for sex. you really really want some. But you can't justify the money. You will go out for fancy drinks for $40 or buy $100 worth of books easily, but for panties? You just don'r know. You are weird about money. Everyone is weird about money. You also don't have a lover. You have a married guy you've never met who emails you everyday. You have a guy who suddenly wants to drop in a for a booty call, but only has done so once. You have a saint boyfriend who never answers your emails because he's he wants someone mono. You have tons of boys who are under thirty who would be happy to play. You have the person you love. The one you can not and will not speak to although you will some day. You have your closest straight male friend who you can tell secrets to and discuss fishing. None of these are a lover. So, you can't justiffy the 40$.