Bookbug - Nope I'm not asking him to refrain from pursuing others sexually. I want him to be who he is, and at same time I want what I want for me.
London - you are correct, I would love a mono-mono relationship with P, and yes I believe that would never happen, and I would not ask him to choose.
P is married, and he was/is sexually exclusive/fluid bonded to me. His wife refuses testing due to personal issues, and apparently was never much for intimacy with him to begin with. He is the one who expressed that he was only interested in being physical with me. I had only only asked him to be exclusive to me & wife until we had a solid relationship before pursuing others - I was the one who encouraged him to not deny his poly nature - but also requested that I be informed if/when he did want to pursue others physically again.. a very fair request in my opinion.
Could I "live with" a committed relationship to P where he remained married, whether sexually intimate with his wife or not, I don't know.
I want an anchor partner, for whom I am a priority. I don't want to have to beg and plead for time, to feel like "leftovers", to have my feelings ignored so he can chase other relationships whether sexual or not. I want someone whose home base is our home, who doesn't have to wait to find out what his wife's schedule (based on her work and her boyfriend's visits, etc) is before he can even consider if I can be offered those scraps of leftover time and attention.
When I identified as poly, my husband once expressed that a hobby I shared with my OSO (competition level dancing) was taking more time and energy that he wanted focused on him and he was feeling left out.. we compromised and the hubby tagged along socially at our practices and after the major competition was over, the hubby and I explored adding quality time with an activity only he and I would share.
Yes, I know even mono-mono share time with work, activities, friends, hobbies, etc... I was military, I KNOW how sometimes you simply cannot be there for a spouse, but the rest are choices. And when those choices are made unilaterally and I have to simply accept whatever is tossed my way without consideration, discussion or compromise- I'm not going to be happy. I wasn't happy when my ex-hubby took more tours in military after we had agreed he would get out after first so I could finish my degree - that selfish thinking demonstrated over and over again for two decades is one of the reasons he is an ex. I want a partner who takes my physical, emotional, intellectual, financial needs and considers those to be as important as his own, a poly partner can never do that for me because they also have a myriad of others to consider too.
Not bashing poly. When it is what everyone wants and can agree on, it is a very valid and wonderful way to live life. Just NOT one I want for me.