View Single Post
  #17  
Old 12-08-2013, 02:47 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,099
Default

Yes, being poly (or a mono partnered to a poly person, for that matter) requires one be in touch with one's feelings, able to identify them, and express them clearly (using "I statements" and not calling your partner names or casting blame), and work to have your needs met, either by yourself, by your "primary" partner, or by another friend or partner if need be.

I think it's immature to imagine anything worth having is not worth fighting for, and working for. Whether it's that dream vacation, a home of your own, a certain big ticket item like a car, having and raising a child. All these things don't just "happen" effortlessly (unless you're like, an heir to a fortune), you gotta work for 'em! Likewise, if you've found true love, you don't just get her, and live happily ever after. You need to be kind, patient, caring, nurse them when they are sick, hold them when they are sad, listen to them when they need to talk something out, etc., etc.

I know men in our society are trained to not show feelings. This is unfortunate and becoming outmoded in most cases (not showing feelings on the battlefield can save your life, and your co-soldiers' lives, otherwise, I do not see the point).

But many men who can't or won't deal with their emotions end up with partners who feel so distant from them, their partner eventually shuts down sexually, and then the guy wonders, what happened to the sex kitten I used to know?

My other point is, why demand nothing changes in your relationship? Whether it's another partner to love, or a new job, a newborn child, needing to move to a new home in a new city, a weight gain or loss, a medical issue, loving partnerships are guaranteed to change. Maybe you two can ride out this change. Great! Maybe the relationship won't survive the change. Not so great, sad indeed, but after healing it is possible to meet new partners who can meet you in your new normal.

However, if you were presenting poly as your "one big happy family" ideal, 3 people living together as co-primaries, this might have been jumping the gun a little! OTOH, if you and Tizza are fine with one date a week, say, to begin with, and you can limit your IMing/texting/phonecalls when Bambi is home, this will help to ease him into it. Give him lots of quality time, sex, fun date activities so that he doesn't feel left out when youre swoony with NRE.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote