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Old 12-08-2013, 09:22 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by Brianne View Post
I feel like I'm not getting the physical and emotional attention from Allen that I used to. All our conversations seem to be about her. When they fight, I seem to be the referee. He's even turned down sex with me because he was planning on having sex with her later that night and didn't want to be disrespectful.
It sounds like you're feeling hurt and disappointment because your needs for connection and intimacy are not being met. Maybe you feel some jealousy because you perceive that he values sex with her more than he values sex with you. And you feel frustrated because you believe he's putting her needs and their relationship above your relationship and your needs. Am I understanding correctly?

Most of us have been educated to express our feelings in terms of what other people "make" us feel, and to express our needs in terms of what we'd like other people to do for us. But as Marcus pointed out, no one can make us feel anything. And needs are entirely independent of any person or strategy for getting those needs met.

Perhaps it would help to set aside some time for he and you to connect. Tell him what your needs are, your basic fundamental needs that you would have whether or not you were married to him and whether or not he was dating someone else in a way that doesn't work for you. Once he understands what your basic needs are, ask him if he can think of some strategies to meet those needs. Feel free to make requests, but make sure that they are not demands (i.e. that he is free to say no), and also make sure that they are only about things he can actively "do" rather than things you want him to "not do."

Most of us are more than happy to do things for people we love if we see how it helps them meet their needs, but we have to see them as requests and not demands, and they have to have clear, positive actions rather than "don't do this, don't do that" (then what am I supposed to do instead?).

So some strategies might be working out problems with his girlfriend between him and his girlfriend; scheduling time for sex or cuddling; only talk about non-Lana topics when you're together (unless there are matters that pertain to your own relationship, e.g. scheduling); getting a counsellor or speaking to a friend if he needs help sorting out problems with Lana; doing whatever actions he used to do when you were getting more attention from him (be specific -- I can't because I don't know what they were, but surely you can think of examples).

Bottom line, focus on yourself and your needs, and be empathetic to his needs and feelings. You can express all of this without making one single reference to Lana. Your needs are only about you, your feelings are only about whether or not your needs are being met, and your requests are only about how he treats you. Lana doesn't have anything to do with any of that, and leaving her out of the discussion will emphasize that this is not about her.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 12-08-2013 at 09:24 AM.
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