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Old 12-08-2013, 05:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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If I'm understanding correctly, it sounds like you're ambivalent towards marriage in general, but that you do love your wife. If it were possible to continue the marriage but with the inclusion of polyamory, that you would be content to remain married. The main problem in your marriage is the fact that monogamy does not meet your need for autonomy, connection, and personal expression.

If that's the situation, then I think it's worth communicating that to your wife. If she's determined to make the marriage work, then it will be her responsibility to learn how to accept and cope with a non-monogamous husband. There are a number of strategies for that, but they all require her to be committed to the process and the outcome.

Originally Posted by CuriousGreg View Post
So how did people come to terms with the idea of being poly? It was never a thought to me because its not something I ever encountered in my personal life.
I grew up "knowing" that I would never get married, because that meant you had to be with just one person for the rest of your life, and even as a child, I somehow knew that would never work for me. When I got older and learned that this was a legitimate thing you could do, that you could even get married and still have other partners, it was a complete epiphany.

Any tips on how to approach this conversation? My default is basically be blunt and leave as little ambiguity to how I feel as possible.
I find the process of nonviolent communication to be very helpful for communicating difficult things with people who may have trouble hearing them. At first it can seem a little hokey, but it really has transformed the way my husband and I communicate. It teaches you to see life in terms of feelings and needs (both your own and those of others), and to judge behaviour rather than people. I personally prefer the audiobook version because you can listen in the car or walking to work, at times when your mind is available and you're not really doing anything anyway.

One thing that its creator, Marshal Rosenberg, has found with married couples is that sometimes, separating is still the only to get both their needs met, but that when they come to that conclusion through the examination and empathy of their mutual feelings and needs, the separation becomes almost like a celebration, rather than a traumatic conclusion.

The last thing I want to say is that I think the idea of everyone knowing eachother and at least being friends sounds amazing.
Yeah, it is. If not for our common partner, I probably wouldn't hang out with Auto's husband, but we get along quite well when we are together, and it just makes things a lot smoother. For example, there have been times when she was upset over something I'd done, and he's talked her down because he recognized it as one of her triggers rather than something I was actually doing wrong.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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