Compersion & random thoughts
Today my former partner is coming up to help decorate the tree & maybe stay the night. We're trying to navigate if we can work as a couple, but unless that happens, I need to think to him as a former partner, FWB with potential of future partner.
He was going to arrive at 9, but yesterday messaged that he was tired and was going to sleep in instead. I wished he had suggested still heading up at that time and napping in my arms, as I had done for him at his home on several occasions. That morning naps when his wife had early work pretty much ended when I realized that every time we had sex, and I was just NOT comfortable being intimate in the THEIR bed just as much as I would not have been comfortable sharing OUR bed with anyone else had I wanted to be intimate with anyone else.
Now I get a message that he is finally up but not feeling well, and was going to take a some sinus meds and have a leisurely coffee and be up around lunchtime. Tree decorating is at 2.
I'm reminded this morning of how when he was living half-time with me how he whenever he got sick at our home, he would run to this other home because he felt more comfortable there. I understood that, end encouraged him to do what would help him get better faster. Like a little kid getting hurt and daddy won't do because he wants Mommy's comfort. But it still freaking HURT, a blatant reminder that I wasn't good enough and this wasn't really his home. Especially when his wife doesn't hold him and comfort him or have the skills to reduce or eliminate his head and body aches.
He admits that when he gets a bad headache that I can eliminate it in minutes. So why would he choose to live the day in pain when I so much want to help him feel better? He never verbalized it, but in those cases I hear "I would rather be in pain and with my wife in my real home, than with you and physically feeling better."
Even with those reminders and the emotional pain I feel, I still wanted him to be where he felt he would be most comfortable. Compersion.
He is happy and comfortable and I am alone and rejected, and how am I supposed to be happy for myself too?
Your actions are interpreted in a way that makes me feel like crap and yet I'm happy for you. Piss on poly, I want mono if it gives me fewer opportunities to be reminded how much I have to offer and it is rejected.