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Old 12-07-2013, 05:45 AM
Firelight Firelight is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
You had something wonderful and now it's gone, and you're mourning that loss. Does that sound about right?
sounds bang on. Trying to move forward but because I am missing answers, I am not sure how to do that.

I can't say for sure of course, but it doesn't sound like there were any warning signs for you to "miss." (Of course, if there were, you missed them and therefore didn't report them here... catch-22) It's reasonable to believe that after 15 years of being poly, they would have worked out this shit.
I think I stirred up some underlying issues between them.

The problem is, if they're still using vetoes after 15 years, there's a good chance they (she?) have a lot of shit that they've never actually dealt with, but rather bypassed by just shutting it down whenever it got "hard."
We ended up having a one on one meeting with just her & myself and then another one with the three of us. I saw a pile of resentment from previous relationships and they acknowledged that. I asked if they were able to work through that to accommodate this new relationship and they said yes but it would be a lot of work. I hesitated after that talk & wasn't sure but he told later that they would work through it & that they always have. To trust the process. I am new & naive to poly. I wanted to trust the process.

Breakups aren't fun. There really is a process of mourning to go through when you lose someone. Veto breakups are probably extra hard because you know it wasn't even your own partner who broke up with you.
I think this is the core of my issue. He asked for space to let her figure it out and he said that it would be okay in the end. Just be patient. I respected that. Then a week later, he calls me telling me that he had to make a choice and I wasn't it. Not even friendship. Even though he was making the call, it felt like she was the one calling. Not him. It felt like he was being manipulated. Forcing him to take responsibility for the break up when he wasn't the one actually doing it. A passive aggressive move on her part? The whole thing felt strange. He said he was sad & discouraged it wasn't going to work. You are are absolutely correct. Hard to accept when it wasn't really my partner breaking up with me.
I don't like vetoes. We don't use them. I don't date people who use them, at least not if they allow them to be used after relationships are established. For example, Auto and her hubby have veto agreements for PREVENTING relationships before they start. But if he tried to make her break up with me now? She'd tell him to go to hell.
a good lesson I learned from this relationship. Agreed.
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