Decided against leaving the note. Writing it was just cathartic for me. And I know I can be civil when our paths crossed and if Seven is unable to do the same that will only speak on him, not me. But I wanted to share the note for you all.
I know you may not read this, but I knew you wouldnít read anything else.
When I look back on our relationship (particularly now with eyes that arenít wearing rose colored glasses) there were multiple times both of us should have probably broken up with the other. We didnít, it happens.
I never thought of you as a bad boyfriend, even at the end. Sure, at the end I didnít think of you as a good boyfriend. But I just thought of you as a person who made very poor choices. And as I looked back I realized I made poor ones as well in regards to you.
Probably the two things that were our biggest downfall were regarding time and my standing on my own. As I hope you can tell by now, standing on my own is not something that was difficult for me. You may try to attribute it to the fact that I have a new relationship but I got that new relationship because I was standing on my own. I started planting the seeds of who I was and my strength a few weeks after the break up with you. I wasnít at full strength but I was coming into my own. And the reason that wasnít hard was because Iíve been in that position since January at the latest. But with you it was never shown because you needed the person to lean on you, so I gave that. But time probably made everything that had cracks becoming the gaping holes that are practically impossible to cross now.
You may say I was demanding if that makes you feel better about how things went in our relationship. But in honesty all I did were state my needs and what I was lacking in our relationship. Thatís actually good relationship information. And you would always tell me that that would happen. I donít believe you were trying to lie to me. I think a part of you may have wanted that and early on did believe it could happen (because really, just asking for one day a week that neither were working isnít a lot). I think the problem became when you realized it couldnít (rather from you not wanting it, or it just not being practically possible) instead of saying so, you continued to say that it could happen. Iíll be honest, I would have ended the relationship then, once I knew that. I donít know if that was part of the reason you never told me, but thatís not important. And yes, I got upset when it didnít. Here was a need that had a promise to be met and wasnít.
I understand from Lamian my note on hating pushed you over the edge to becoming that wanting to cause me violence feeling that you had. I guess part of that is because you really didnít pay attention to the words and instead felt it was an attack on you. What that was, was the acknowledgement of my lack of strength when with you. I so wanted things to work out between us that every time an event happened that I should have walked away from our relationship, I didnít. So yes I hated myself. Each time in retrospect because I wasnít taking care of myself. The actions you did may have placed me in those positions but it was my inaction that I hated. I didnít blame you, I blamed myself because I wasnít using my strength.
I also know you feel I replaced you (or at least you did). But I didnít. Moving on with life makes that impossible. I didnít start a relationship to block out any thoughts of you or the relationship I had with you. Hell, in fact our relationship made me put up so many blockades and boundaries to try and prevent myself from getting into one. At first because I didnít feel ready and then after I was because I didnít want to shove anything in your face (hence why I rarely talked about it if you were home, he never came around, and any postings I made in regards to our relationship on Fet or FB were after you unfriended me on both). I will say I learned a lot from my relationship with you. Both in what I want from a partner and what I want from a metamour. And I thank you for that. Being with you will make me a better person for him. And a better person for Woodsmith. In fact in regards to Woodsmith, our relationship has gotten better since you and I fell apart.
At my core, Iím not demanding and Iím not an emotional black hole. At your core, you arenít a liar or someone with sociopathic tendencies. But together we were. Both to each other and to others around us that we cared about. Would we and they have been better if we realized these issues earlier? Probably, but you canít change the past, only learn and move on from it.
I realized, probably around the time of the horror movie party, that we wonít have a friendship again. Your desire to have that scorched earth policy and just wipe everything away would make it impossible. But even if that wasnít the case Iím tired of trying. Cause I did try, but putting forth effort for someone who doesnít give anything back is exhausting and draining. And I donít need that in my life. If you ever feel like you can provide that youíll know how to find me. All I ask and hope for now is civility. Our paths intersect too much because of our social circles. The performer world, ren faire, burner events (Iíll still you the space for the meet and greets, I donít go to things like Interfuse or Artica or the dream of burning man for the connection to the people, but the spiritual connection for myself), and other are places our social circles will collide. I donít want drama there so like I said, I all ask for is civility. If that entails ignoring my presence, thatís fine.
I wish you luck on your journey. I hope with Lamian and everyone else that crosses your life you find joy with them. Because at your core, you are good and do deserve it.
Woodsmith: My husband
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub