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Old 12-07-2013, 01:16 AM
Firelight Firelight is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
Default Got Vetoed - need advice

I am new to polyamory. Single. Divorced.

I fell in love with a good friend who has been in a polyamory marriage for many years. We built a relationship and felt our two families connected & intertwined fairly well. I love his wife dearly as a good friend. We have all been good friends for years. I never thought about polyamory for myself because I was married at the time to a very conservative & controlling person. With him gone, I finally get to be myself. Open. Happy. Content.

I started to feel a deeper connection with the husband. The relationship got stronger over the course of 6-8 months. Everyone was aware that we were communicating & building a closer relationship. Then it turned intimate very recently. We both got sucked into NRE & it was blissful. I was thrilled to have a deep connection with someone who really knew me. Respected me.

I made a huge mistake in not communicating to my friend, his wife, how my feelings had changed & I wanted more. She didn't react well because she found out after we had kissed & were moving forward quickly without consulting her. It was a lot for her, with very little warning.

They have been poly for their entire marriage 15yrs + and have had many poly relationships. They both have current poly relationships. I would have been tertiary. It was made very clear that where I stood in that respect.

I have my own life, lots of activities, friendships, and was not seeking him to be my "primary" by any means. I really wanted a relationship. Possibly long term. I didn't know what to expect. I just knew we made each other happy.

His wife was hurt. & upset and he communicated very little to me except that our relationship would be too hurtful to his other poly relationships. He had to choose between them or me and he chose them. I understood that he needed to put his primary relationship first but I was confused as to "why" I got vetoed. Quickly & abruptly. His other poly relationship was also hurt & upset by introducing me into the mix.

I don't understand. Feeling hurt but mostly missing the relationship that brought me so much joy & happiness and I believe it did for him too.

Did I miss something? I am trying to move forward, heal, and forget but struggling.

What should I do?
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