I am so sorry. This stinks.
If you entered into a primary-secondary model as the secondary? That's the price of admission. There's pros/cons to every model.
Sounds like she's in poly hell
And not really secure/sure of herself and her skills.
What I don't understand is... She has been seeing a guy for most of the time they've been poly. A man she claims to love deeply. Expecting it to be okay for her to have that kind of relationship yet cutting it off whenever he gets close to really being comfortable with someone else... It just feels icky to me!
Different skillset used.
- When she has a BF, the skillset of "Being a GF person" is employed.
- When he has a GF, the skillset of "Being the Metamour person" is employed.
She might have great GF skills. But weak metamour skills.
I hate that he is in a relationship that I feel is so incredibly unhealthy, yet I don't feel like I have the right to say anything about it, because my only experience with it is as a disliked secondary - not really the best position to get a well-rounded idea of what someone is really like. He knows I think it's unfair.
Sure you do. You have the right to set your own limits. You can set your own limit for what you will/will not participate in. Maybe something like...
"I think the relationship you are in with her seems unhealthy. Since what happens there can affect me in the polymath? I'm stepping out of the line of fire.
I'm stepping aside until you figure what you would like out. I am not the guy to figure yourself out with. I am too close on this one.
I'm giving you space to do whatever problem solving you need to do on the (you relating to yourself) tier.
I am giving you space to do whatever problem solving you need to do on the (you + her) tier.
I am willing to do conflict resolution if it helps on the (her dealing with (you + me) tier. So that (you + me + her) tier of relating can be respectful.
I am not willing to participate in never ending wacky though. Please let me know when I can expect an update and if none by that date, I could expect to let this go."
He knows I don't get how she could put him through this. He agrees with me on both counts.
Again... different skills sets used in the different roles she's got in this polyship. She's a hinge, a GF to two people, and a metamour to you.
Again... she could be in poly hell
and not able to articulate what she needs from herself, from him, or from you to move it forward.
Emotional change is hard. Might be easier to undertake when she's the GF rather than the metamour.
That said, it isn't call for her to rain abuses on others so... you guys could sort yourselves out. Decide how you want to be -- still in polyship or not?
Is she willing/able to try again? What things or behaviors blocks her willingness? Her ability? Can they be removed/improved?
Is he willing/able to try again? What things or behaviors blocks his willingness? His ability? Can they be removed/imrpoved?
Are you willing/able to try again? What things or behaviors blocks your willingness? Your ability? Can they be removed/improved?
But before that... you could assess which sucks less for YOU?
- Letting this go at this time and dealing with break up feelings?
- Or trying again with people you know need to grow some skills?
Only you know your own willingness to continue to participate.
Hang in there!