Thanks for the advice, all.
We are letting the emotions run through us which is good, I think. Had another hard talk last night and then a strongly connected morning. I suspect its going to be up and down for awhile.
Letting this emotion bubble up again has let me peel away the fears, somewhat, and let me face them again--raw. What I'm beginning to be reminded of is that I'm not afraid of the intimacy and the closeness with many loves. I loved this part of living poly. Rather, the challenge is that our past experience with it is mixed in with deception and dishonesty: her past husband 'disallowed' sex between us for the first two years (which we lied about to him for that many years) and then my girlfriend denied being interested in intimacy with a mutual friend (upon which a day later I walked in on them).
We have come to a loving understanding and peace about the mutual friend incident, but the situation with her ex-husband is still a very sore subject. When I brought it up again last night, I got the door shut on my face. She says that it is not my responsibility to 'judge her' and that she doesn't need to live by my moral code.
My challenge is that I don't want to judge her 'morality' or question her values but rather to understand how we see these situations in such a very different light. I don't have any interest in dictating strict rules of engagement like our ex, because I don't think that would work for either of us, but I DO want her to know that it would hurt me greatly to find out that while she was on the phone with me telling me that she is still at work and is really busy that she was actually lying naked next to her new lover. Open and honest communication (at least to me) feels like the foundation of any relationship, particularly a poly one.
I guess my preference would be to just put this behind us and wipe the slate clean. But when she asks what my emotions are telling me, the emotions almost always leads to this situation / fear. And when I share it, she shuts down and tells me to stop judging her.
What do you think? Am I not talking about it right? Should I keep this fear to myself and give our next try the benefit of the doubt? Please help!