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Old 12-06-2013, 07:32 PM
confused88 confused88 is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8

[QUOTE=GalaGirl;252116]I'm sorry you hurt.

What do you want to see happen ultimately?
  • She goes away?
  • She stops hating you?
  • He stops wanting to be friendly with his ex?
  • Something else?

Honestly any of these things would be better then the situation now. My feeling is that she was only claiming to want to keep a connection with my bf because he has been very generous with the divorce, making sure she was financially set, etc. I do not feel like she is genuinely concerned for him or his happiness (and she has actually stated this to him in). So if she moves on with her life and chooses to have no relationship with my bf, I honestly feel it would be better for him in the long run. I have the same feeling about him stopping wanting to be friends with her, if it can be a positive healthy thing, then I am much more open to it, but as of now it's a very negative taxing one on both he and I. And while I don't ever think she will be very accepting of me or our relationship, I think I could deal with them being friends if she showed me respect and civility, without that I don't see how I could be okay with this.

The thing then is to determine if it is a HARD limit that will not change in time. Or a SOFT limit that could change in time if conditions are met and articulate what those conditions might be. See if negotiation can be had or not.

I think for me this would be a soft limit, as hopefully circumstances will change. Right now the thing I am having a hard time supporting is us splitting his family with her (his siblings and parents are very close and do dinner weekly, him and his ex wife do not have kids). He and I have very differing opinions on how this should be handled. I am of the mindset that while I understand she may need time to get used to me and me and her ex husband together, she should be taking that time to deal with it herself, instead of getting his family stuck in the middle. As it is, they want their son at all holidays and events, and have been very welcoming to me. They do not mind his ex continuing to come around as they have known her a long time, but they believe she should not be causing issues. Right now since she tells my bf she can't handle being around me, and he doesn't want to attend family things without me, we are splitting everything up and each thing has been a battle. Am I wrong to feel like she should take time for herself if she needs it, but that I shouldn't be punished by not being able to attend things because she doesn't want me there ? That's been the biggest struggle lately.

What is the behavior being done? Other than him considering her when he makes.... WHAT choices?

See choices above, he claims he does not want to take his family away from her, and he knows she won't come around if I am there. He claims it is only temporary and he doesn't want to be a dick to her when he thinks she is working on things. I end up feeling very left out, alone, and less important in his life. Things would be easier if his ex had acted better during their divorce, she lied to mutual friends about he and I, lied to her family about the situation and was all around nasty. That makes it harder for me to feel like I am sacrificing my time with his family for her benefit.

  • I don't know what behavior he wants?
  • What is being asked of me is not reasonable?
  • What is being asked of me is not rational?
  • What is being asked of me could hurt me or another person?
  • I am not willing to do the behavior he wants at this time? Because ___ blocks my willingness.
  • I am not able to do the behavior he wants at this time? Because ____ blocks my ability.

I feel like what is being asked of me is not reasonable. I have been supportive and loving towards him during the entire divorce process, trying to empathize with his ex when I could and just be there for him. Now I am feeling like I am being asked for more on top of all of that. His family is not happy about him splitting things with her and I feel like I end up getting some of the brunt of that from them, even though I have no problem being around her and she is the one unwilling to be around me. I feel kind of stuck and just trying to handle it the best way I can.

  • If ____ were to happen, then I could be more willing to demonstrate loving/supportive behavior toward my BF.

    If my bf was able to tell his ex that while he does care about her and wants to maintain a friendship, that he can't let her choice to not be around me affect his choice to bring me around his family. That if she is not ready then maybe she needs to take some time for herself and come around when she is, that she will always be welcome.

    OR If his ex could make the choice on her own to stop putting him and his family in the middle, in order to deal with her own issues on her own. Or by realizing that her unwillingness to be around me is causing problems for everyone involved, and make the choice to attend family events that I am at and work through things.

  • If ____ were to happen, then I could be more able to demonstrate loving/supportive behavior toward my BF.

I feel like if either of these things could happen it would make it much easier for me to be loving and supportive of my bf. I feel as if both she and he are being selfish with this situation, and while I expect that from her (though I would hope for more) that it is hard to deal with from him. He claims he is doing the best thing for him, and while I try to believe that and relate to him on it, it still ends up feeling like maintaining any type or relationship with her is worth the risk of us not making it. That is a tough way to feel when this is the man I am trying to build a life and future with. I guess I am trying to see if there's anything I can do to make things easier on myself, I don't want to be unhappy, upset or feel hurt, but with how things are now I end up feeling those things every time this subject affects me/us. I don't want to be selfish, or mean spirited or petty, I am really trying to do the right thing for me and my relationship with my boyfriend, but I kind of feel like the bad guy. I guess I am just looking for guidance on how to get through this transitional period, if I am being unfair in how I want things handled, or if there need to be adjustments made.

Thank you all for your help, I am trying, but feel like I am failing

Last edited by confused88; 12-06-2013 at 07:35 PM.
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