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Old 12-06-2013, 03:02 PM
Pienata Pienata is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands
Posts: 21
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UPDATE

Since I had been feeling increasingly blue since yesterday about matters Bambi started interrogating me about what was wrong (though I had promised not to bother him about anything regarding Tizza at least until December 14th). He wanted me to be honest so I admitted that I was still having a lot of trouble getting over Tizza, and we spoke about relationships in general and a little bit about polyamory.

It was a surprisingly harmonious talk, not defensive at all like when we were arguing about Tizza a month or one and a half ago. We mostly just shared some thoughts, I didn't want to pressurize him into actually trying polyamorous relationships but I think it might be possible to suggest trying at some point.

I told him that over the past few years I've grown increasingly conscious about the fact that I really do feel polyamory is the way to go for me. I asked him if he thought of it as a completely ridiculous idea (because I don't want to pressurize him into anything, london, sorry if it looks that way). He answered that he thinks it's not ridiculous, and that it can be done but that maybe I'm trying too hard. He thinks I have too much of an idealized view of a loving extended family where everyone just gets along and everyone is there for everyone when needed. He doesn't think polyamory is worse (or better!) than monogamy per se but sees more potential for trouble (but also some perks).

What it basically came down to in the end is that he's not necessarily opposed, but we have different ideas about what polyamory means (which also caused the not-really-well-discussed first attempt to crash and burn) and the form of it that we'd find ideal. He seems to be levitating towards a "core couple" kind of construction where there are only secondary relationships to ours whereas I have a strong preference for equality (where it's wanted) and tend to feel a little (just a little) choked in a traditional couple's set up.

Is there any way to work out those differences? Or another way we haven't thought of at all, that might suit both of us?

As for Tizza, I'd really love it if we could be together again. Bambi has no problems with Tizza on a personal level, they even like eachother, he just had some problems with the situation stemming from our different ideas of poly.

In the case of Tizza returning, obviously his opinion matters too. Thankfully, he doesn't really even mind. He cares about me a lot but is comfortable in secondary position because he's a fairly independent non-homebody type anyway, with a very active social life and no desire to start a family or anything like that. Therefore, his wishes don't clash with Bambi's wishes at all so that's fairly easy.

What's left is the differences between me and Bambi..
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Bambi - Boyfriend of 1+ year
Tizza - It's complicated
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