Originally Posted by jv02vd
How about this - if you really liked a person who was in an open relationship, would you approach them any differently than if they were singe? What if you and their primary don't get along, would that make a difference?
I would approach them SIMILARLY as a single person. The only key difference is that you KNOW the significant other.
When telling anyone you are interested in them it is important to respect the importance of other people in their life-parents, siblings, friends, children (in poly also lovers).
I think you are right that FIRST and foremost you need to focus on continuing to work on your depression. Having struggled with depression for YEARS myself, I know what a struggle that is, but it sounds like you are having breakthroughs and if you can keep working at it-they will become longer lasting and more often.
Second-you need to work on your insecurities and personal issues of feeling competitive.
In monogomous relationships as well as poly relationships that can KILL a relationships. Women are notorious for the jealousy/insecurity/possessiveness causing problems between wife/mother in monogomous relationships.
It is IMPERATIVE that you be able to be confident in your own attributes without feeling a need to compare yourself to ANYONE else in finding your worth.
Last (off the top of my head) I do not think that is would be reasonable to walk in and say "I love you but I don't want you unless you leave him."
IF she were mono-you would never do that, that would be deemed "stealing" another man's woman. Tacky, sleazy behavior.
Because she is poly-it would be perfectly reasonable for you to tell her, "I remain in love with you and would like to get to know you even better."
Then negotiate a creatively adaptive way to do that without insisting that she be anything that she is not (mono) or requiring of yourself to be anything that you are not (poly).
If you want to know what I mean by "creatively adaptive" then please find the book "Living Happily Ever After" ... I can't recall the author right now-you might PM Redpepper and ask her, her husband was who suggested it to me (it's not about polyamory at all by the way). GREAT book.
Also-if you are looking for thoughts from someone on HOW a mono-minded person can handle a relationship with an actively poly-person, research posts by MonoVCPHG. He's a very monogomous minded person who has VERY monogomous minded ideals-but manages to carry a deep loving relationship with a poly woman and friendship with her poly husband on this board. Great advice can be had from his posts.
Key to maintaining ANY relationship (poly or mono) is the ability to accept every individual for WHO THEY ARE, not who they COULD BE or who they ARE TO YOU.
It means not expecting someone to change in order to make you more comfortable or happy, but accepting that your comfort and happiness are your own personal responsibility.
You may find that if you work on this detail it will help you in finding, building and maintaining a deep, loving, long-term relationship-even if it isn't with her and/or is a fully monogomous relationship.
Good luck! Feel free to ask me questions in PM if I didn't elaborate clearly enough on anything I said!!!!