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Old 12-06-2013, 12:59 AM
Pienata Pienata is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands
Posts: 21
Default Advice on "The Talk"

Hello Poly people!

I posted here a while ago after some trouble I had. I had my first small taste of polyamory a few months ago which kind of ended in a trainwreck.

Summary for those who didn't read it or forgot: My primary partner (Bambi) allowed me to explore polyamory with a guy I met and fell in love with (Tizza), but not being much of a talker he didn't really want to discuss the implications of this "new thing". It basically ended up with Bambi having some issues with how things were going, and not talking until it was too late, at which point he requested me to stop seeing Tizza. I felt this was unfair, blabla, lots of arguments, emotions heightened etc. At some point I realized that there was not a constructive way to get what I feel I need (I've felt polyamorous for much longer) because things had become too dramatic. We decided to determine a future date to talk about this again, when things are less.. Emotionally charged. This date is december 14th. In the meantime, I agreed to his demand to stop seeing Tizza (we talk on the phone incidentally, but that's it). December 14th, we would speak about polyamory in general (because I feel it's "me") and, if I'd still care, with regard to Tizza.

Well, I still care very much. Tizza haunts my dreams regularly, and the few times I've mentioned him (maybe two or three times maximum), Bambi didn't sound all too pleased. Despite this, I still want to have this planned conversation. Ideally, I want it to develop in the most favourable way, at least getting Bambi to explore the implications of polyamory, which he never really did. Do you guys have any advice on how to constructively have this conversation so that hopefully everything will turn out well for all of us?

Bambi really hates to read, and since the failed venture he's probably not going to be very motivated to actively look into polyamory either, so I was hoping you guys knew a good documentary that shows polyamorous couples that are actually likeable and in a good, stable relationship that all parties seem happy in? I'm fairly certain he'd be willing to watch that if it matters to me and maybe it could show him a glimpse of how such a relationship would and could work. The first time we tried non-monogamy nothing was clearly defined or discussed beforehand and he basically had no knowledge of the concept at all (I had read A LOT about it already, here and on many other websites, I have a poly friend, thought about it actively, etc.)

Basically what I want to reach in conversation is that he will also actively question himself: "Why not?" since (romantic) monogamy is the standard that is usually assumed as opposed to polyamory... I would like him to step out of that thought and review what I'm suggesting as objectively and open-mindedly as possible. If he still really needs to be monogamous afterwards, that's fine, but I want him to REALLY think about it.

Oh, and we've actually been working on the lack of communication thing. It's difficult for Bambi and he used to actively resist talking anything through, but he does now realize that he needs to think things through and communicate about it because I cannot read his mind. He still has trouble defining and communicating thoughts clearly but at least now makes an effort to do so for our sake.
Bambi - Boyfriend of 1+ year
Tizza - It's complicated
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