Thank you!! What a kind post! I would love to hear how you have dealt with coming into yourself.
Here's some more:
This week, I have been happier than usual. I am beginning to lose any desire to speak to N. & I haven’t much this past month, If anyone can relate, please let me know. Can folks who had an affair be “friends” if all the sexulity is suppressed or gone? If people have to disconnect entirely, how do they resolve that? I have only been on one date with a poly guy – no two dates – and this poly guy said most of his wives lovers had been married men cheating. I wish my ethical backbone had been stronger when meeting this person. Part of it was his consistency. Out of 100 dates, he was the only one who EVER texted to see if I got home ok, first date.
I had a disaterous date Tuesday. Older man, single, divorced. He was a gentleman in a lot of ways, but I found him too sexually forward and insistant in his emails. I like guys who are more interested in connecting emotionally or intellectually first. Well, I met him where he was staying, at a hotel, how convient and he started in right away. He was dashing, but I wasn’t really attracted to him because he was big and I like small guys, usually. He was kind and a little funny, but the sexual pressure was too much. We spent the entire time debating whether to go to his room. Finally, he said he didn’t use condoms. He said condoms were for young people and it was a matter of trust. I said I wasn’t on birth control .He did not react. I highly doubt this dude is HIV pos, but it was more the principle. I had spent the previous weekend with my gay friend talking about who people are using condoms less and less. AND I totally did not want his cum in me. My husband and I are not “fluid bonded” but I think having someone cum in your mouth or otherwise is a huge gift of love and acceptance, and I don’t know this guy! Well, we did fool around a bit in the stairwell. But when he was touching me, I didn’t feel aroused and I felt more like I used to feel when I would sleep with any guy just because they wanted too. My mind kept thinking, it’s an adventure! but, in the end, it felt kind of gross. Then, I missed N TERRIBLY. I got on the incorrect train so that I could walk by a place he sometimes goes- but I didn’t go there…instead too a long, long walk home. When I arrived home there was an email from another suitor saying he was off work and on the way to my house to fool around…but I missed him! Then, I decided to jump back in and email some new people. I emailed an older guy and a real youngster (20). The older guy is very very friendly, but not my type physically. The other person who emailed Tuesday isn’t a close friend, we’ve only been on one date and email here and there.
I want to give up. I do not want to give up. I want a lover with passion, but that only brings suffering. I want to be friends with N right now, but can’t bear to hear from him , largely out of anger. I would like to be monogamous, but don’t feel that I can be sexual with my husband and I wouldn’t expect my husband to be monogamous. All these feelings reside in me.