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Old 12-05-2013, 08:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,091

I agree with Bookbug.

You could be ready. He is not sounding ready. It is a bummer, but it is what it is. If he BECOMES ready? He can look you up and try then.
He won't set any kind of limits. He says any kind of time limit is an expectation I have no right to set, because of how much I hurt him.
No, you cannot set limits on him or what he wants.

But actually, yeah. You CAN set limits for YOURSELF, what YOU want, what YOU are willing to participate in.

If he wants you to serve time making amends and estimates 3-6 mos and that sounds ok to you? You understand what behavior is expected of you and it sounds fair to you? Alright. Maybe you sign up to participate.

But if he's setting a time limit of 30 years? Unknown time? No list of expectations? Just wibbling about in the wind? And that doesn't sound good to you?

You CAN set you own limit of "Nope. That is not clear enough to me."

You CAN request more data. "Could you be willing/able to list WHAT behavior you want me to do for HOW long to make amends? So I can be clear and consider if I'm willing to do that behavior?"

You CAN say no thanks if he does not clarify. "I'm sorry. There is not enough data here at this time for me to be willing to sign up to participate like that. Please let me know in future if you become willing and able to explain in more detail so I can understand better what you seek. I could consider then. "

Then you let it go.

That is not a demand. Or making him do anything. That is YOU not participating in something you don't want to participate in because there's not enough data.

He is free to update or not update.

But he says he doesn't know what sort of amends I'd have to make, what things I could do to regain his trust. He essentially just wants me to keep working at, without reassure, promise, or any kind of feedback from him. Essentially, to "just see."
So... his lack of intrapersonal skills so he can soul search within so he can know his own wants, needs, and limits is holding him back from articulating.

Then he is not able to use his interpersonal skills to tell it to you and explain so that YOU can understand him and his wants, needs, and limits. Then you could both negotiate more effectively if you understand where the other guy is coming from.

He's not willing/able to see that? Or own that?

And yet he STILL wants to you to sign up without knowing what is expected of you, how long it will go on for, how you will both know you have finished making amends, etc? You don't know how to hold each other accountable in the "making amends" time? So you ARE making amends and he isn't using you for a punching bag?

This lack of clarity will lead to you having a more successful second relationship than the first time HOW?

That is not rational request of you.
That is not reasonable request of you.

It could be unhealthy for you to sign up for something like that. Please do not do that!

Again, it sounds like you are ready. But he still isn't.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-05-2013 at 08:43 PM.
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