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Old 12-05-2013, 03:31 PM
cmurach cmurach is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
After reading through the thread, here is my two cents:

1. He is apparently not willing to own any part of what caused you to break up with him in the first place. Regardless of whether it was poor communication, stress, etc., there were two people in that relationship, and one of the partners - you - felt neglected. Has he acknowledged any of that? If he is viewing that situation in the light of his behavior was the pinnacle of perfection and you just up and freaked out, you have a much bigger problem than the one at hand. You two have reached no mutual understanding as to the original problem. If I have understood this correctly, it is both immature and narcissistic on his part.
Any time I try to bring it up, he gets very upset and defensive, because he feels I am blaming him for the cheating/abandoning. He takes the line that my choices are my choices, and he has no responsibility for them. I will totally own that I made the larger mistakes, that I feel I do have a lot to atone for (I did lie, even if I didn't cheat, I didn't communicate with him, I shut him out, I pushed him away, etc.) But it seems he is not at a place where he wants to discuss his role.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
2. He is not willing to be in a committed relationship with you at this time.

3. He has no idea whether he ever will return to wanting a committed relationship with you, has no idea what you can do to make amends (although like the others, I am not sure what you are making amends for), nor a time limit for when he will make up his mind. He just expects you to hang out and wait indefinitely. Whether he realizes it or not he is punishing you. He is setting you up to feel like he did, rather than just learning from the experience and growing up. It's really very childish. And I guarantee, if it goes on to too long it will only breed anger and resentment in you. This is the path to more pain.
Yeah, I admit it probably would. I am okay with him being unsure and needing time, but... I need something, ya know? I either need a time line (of when he can forgive me), a guide line (how I can work to regain his trust), or a guarantee (that he will work with me and make me his focus for some unspecified period of time.) Without any of those, I feel like he just expects me to be a robot, with no thoughts, feelings, or needs of my own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
4. One of you needs to be an adult here, and it sounds like it probably needs to be you. If it were me - and you are not - I would calmly explain to him that you are sorry for the pain you caused him, you have learned from it, you are disappointed that he he cannot forgive you, and you hope dating works well for him, but you are not going to do an indefinite penance. If he finds forgiveness to please let you know.
*Sigh* Yeah. Maybe that is it.

Thanks a lot to everyone who has helped me out and listened to me. I really appreciate it, even though it didn't turn out to be a poly situation.
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