I'm sorry you hurt.
What do you want to see happen ultimately?
- She goes away?
- She stops hating you?
- He stops wanting to be friendly with his ex?
- Something else?
It's hard to give feedback when I don't know what desired outcome you are aiming for.
If the desired outcome is "I do loving and supportive behavior toward my BF" and he is doing something you think is harmful? Maybe rather than struggle to be supportive about something you don't want to support you could call it your personal limit reached:
"No. I cannot support that at this time like THAT."
The thing then is to determine if it is a HARD limit that will not change in time. Or a SOFT limit that could change in time if conditions are met and articulate what those conditions might be. See if negotiation can be had or not.
What is the behavior being done? Other than him considering her when he makes.... WHAT choices?
- His own choices that affect only him?
- The couple's choices that affect both (you + him)?
HOW is his behavior harmful to you? You don't specify.
Could rephrasing what you wrote help you clarify details so people can try to help you better? Or help you yourself find possible solutions? Here's my take. (I could be wrong.)
I just need advice on how to (demonstrate loving and supportive behavior) toward my BF. What blocks me from doing that is...
- I don't know what behavior he wants?
- What is being asked of me is not reasonable?
- What is being asked of me is not rational?
- What is being asked of me could hurt me or another person?
- I am not willing to do the behavior he wants at this time? Because ___ blocks my willingness.
- I am not able to do the behavior he wants at this time? Because ____ blocks my ability.
I feel like she has done nothing but be selfish, controlling, hurtful and mean for the last year to (me? Him? Both?) in her _____ behavior. I do not like that behavior.
- Until she stops/starts doing _______?
- Until he stops/starts doing _______?
- Until I stop/start doing _______?
So I can be free TO feel/think/do _____?
So I can be free FROM feeling/thinking/doing ______?
... then I cannot change my willingness. I cannot change my ability.
- If ____ were to happen, then I could be more willing to demonstrate loving/supportive behavior toward my BF.
- If ____ were to happen, then I could be more able to demonstrate loving/supportive behavior toward my BF.
Could you clarify a bit more and fill in blanks?