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Old 12-05-2013, 01:41 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by confused88 View Post
I just need advice on how to be loving and supportive of my bf wanting to be friends with his ex wife who hates me? How can I feel okay with him including her wants/needs in his decisions, when those decisions seem to be harmful to our r-ship?
Can you give an example of a decision that you believe has harmed your relationship?

I just don't know how to align my hurt and confusion over him still wanting her in his life, when I feel like she has done nothing but be selfish, controlling, hurtful and mean for the last year.
Focus on your needs, and how you feel when those needs are not met. Rather than labeling her as selfish, controlling, and hurtful, what behaviours has she exhibited that have failed to meet your need for consideration, autonomy, and compassion?

I have tried to be the bigger person over and over and accommodate his feelings, but I don't know if I am just setting myself up for more of the same with her or if by trying to love and support his choices, it will make our r-ship stronger and eventually she will be a positive force in our lives instead of a negative one.
Love and relationships are not a competition. If you think of yourself as the bigger person, it means you're thinking of him or her as the lesser person. People will sense that you have this attitude and react accordingly.

Again, your description of her is all about judging who she is, and not at all about what she actually does. Presumably it's more than she's just his ex-wife and you hate her on that principle, so there must be specific actions she's done that have stimulated this anger in you. If you can empathize with what her needs and feelings are, and see the world through her eyes, then there's a good chance the anger will evaporate. Not be buried or ignored, but simply become nonexistent.

As for whether meeting his needs for love and support will help your relationship grow stronger, I pretty much guarantee it. But you don't want to meet his needs at the expense of your own, so clearly identifying what your needs are and working together on some strategies to get those needs met will benefit you all.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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