Thread: in over my head
View Single Post
Old 12-04-2013, 11:22 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,418

Hi pcflvly,

Before developing a poly scene, I highly recommend double- and triple-checking that none currently exist anywhere nearby.

Start with the following links:

Also, google "polyamory" with the name of your state, as well as googling "polyamory" with the name of any major city that might be in your vicinity. See if any poly groups pop up.

Now if you do all that and get nothin', then I think my first suggestion would be to build an official group for your area out of the people you already know who are somehow living or connected to a poly life. Make phone calls. Find out who likes which days of the week, which times of the day, and what type of get-together different people prefer.

For example, in Albuquerque the poly group has two monthly events: first, a social, at a restaurant where people just get together, buy/eat grub, and hang out. And second, a potluck at someone's (big enough) house, followed by a discussion about some poly-related topic (or perhaps a viewing of a poly movie followed by some discussion), ending with some casual chit-chat before everyone (a few at a time) heads home.

You need to find out what kinds of events your poly friends are interested in, how often they'd like these events to occur, which (if any) should be child-friendly (or how to arrange perhaps a rotating schedule of volunteers to babysit the kids out of earshot of the adults), and as I said what days and times would work best for different people. Then look for a good intersection of day-and-time that seems doable for the most people, and let everyone know they're invited at the best such upcoming day-and-time available.

In Albuquerque, the social has been on the second Sunday of each month, but I think they might be moving it to a Saturday or Friday. The potlucks (with discussion time) are on the fourth Sunday of each month. There's an official "start" and "stop" time for each of the events, though it's not like they stick to the times with military exactness.

Somewhere around this point in the process, you need to establish some kind of a web presence for your new poly group. A group if nothing else. Someone needs to be in charge of posting regular announcements of (even just the regular) upcoming events. Try to get hooked up with Google and Yahoo so that your site will come up on future "polyamory" searches other people do for your area.

All those links at the start of this post? Visit those links, acquaint yourself with whoever maintains them, and ask them to add your group to their list. Now, all this web work is outside my area of expertise, so you need to find an ally who's good at web stuff and enlist his/her help. (If you're lucky you might have enough expertise to handle the web stuff yourself.) But these are the things that, in general, I think you'd need to start off with.

After that, hopefully people will start finding your group on the web, attending your events, messaging you on your site, submitting requests and making suggestions and as they do, bring those ideas up to the group and see if you can get votes and consensus on whether to tweak this or that with respect to how your site is run and how and when your events are held.

The Albuquerque group, based largely out of Yahoo on the web but with a Facebook and FetLife presence, has also found that if people show up to an event but don't want to register on the website (e.g. my "Lady Hinge" who doesn't want to get a Yahoo account but does want to get event news and whatnot), it's useful to get those people's email addresses (and really everyone's email address who's registered on the site and attends the events if they're willing to give an email address), and have someone be in charge of sending out "group emails" reminding people of upcoming events and offering road directions and the events' street addresses.

Disclaimer: I've never tried to create/assemble a poly group of my own, so in a way I'm just talking out of my ass. But I'm also offering up what I know of poly groups so far, how they seem to function and what seems to be needed to help ferret polyamorists out of the monogamous crowd and garner interest in event attendance.

Here's a thought. Look for various poly groups that aren't so close to you, but see if you can contact (via phone or email) the leaders of those groups, and get "tricks of the trade" from them, how they keep their groups running smoothly, and how they got their groups started. Major poly centers in the United States include: Seattle, Los Angeles, Austin Texas, and Boston. So why not check out the poly groups in those areas, and see if you can pick the brains of their leaders, and then you'll have more confidence about how you yourself would want to proceed.

Just from what I've written (and seen), it's obvious that creating and maintaining a poly group/scene is a labor of love. Rewarding, but lots and lots of jobs to do and you should probably delegate jobs to reliable people as much as you can so you're not personally doing all the work.

Perhaps some members have developed poly groups/scenes and will notice this thread and chime in. But if they don't, give some of my above suggestions a whale.


Ha; didn't think about the ol' monthly visitor factor. Don'tcha hate it when that happens. My Hinge Lady will still try "full-fledged sex" at those times but she's self-conscious which makes it harder for her to "get in the zone." And there's that embarrassing clean-up factor. Plus, using my Brother-Husband as an example: he's just too spooked by that time of month to approach her in that way at such a time. I don't mind so much though. All has to do with personal preference, I guess.

Anyways, sounds like you and A have had a wonderful reunion, including all that hot and heavy stuff in bed on Saturday night. I like it!

Re: telling the kids ... oooh, don't like the idea that one or more of the kids can't "zip the lip" and keep the secret closeted from nosy in-laws and such. But it sounds like J's not really giving you a choice anyhow, so best just tell the kids and ask them to keep quiet about it if they can. You'll probably need to explain to them the prickly reality that even though polyamory is okay and can be a wonderful way to live and love, it's still something that lots of people wouldn't understand and that's why you need them to help you keep it a secret. Perhaps comparing it to gay couples would help? Homosexual issues are better-known (such as by kids) than poly issues, so you might be able to use it as a comparison.

Kids can be *very* observant so it's often impossible to hide poly stuff from them anyway. Or worse, they might "partly get it" but get the wrong idea, like maybe you and A sneak off together without J knowing about it. Keeping in the closet is easier to do with friends, relatives, and co-workers, than it is with your kids who live with you and can see your comings and goings. So ultimately, J's probably not all wrong to insist that the kids be told. Might as well just tell them and make the best of it.

In this day and age, ten years old isn't all that young. Kids learn about sex and romance pretty fast these days, via school, their friends, TV, the internet, etc.

Not that you should give a ten-year-old a play-by-play description of your sex lives, but it seems safe enough to say, "Hey, pcflvly and Mom are in love, but Mom and Dad are still in love too, and Mom and Dad will still stay together and be here for you, it's just that pcflvly's a very special friend and we'll be seeing a lot of him." Kids tend to worry more about, "How will this affect my [the kid's] life," than they are, "Do I approve of this morally?" I think your biggest challenge is trying to convince the kids to help you keep it on the down-low if they're willing. Good luck and do your best! Kids sure are a blessing, but a mixed blessing at that!

Overall, I think you're slowly but surely settling into this "strange poly life" that fits so awkwardly into the "monogamy-centric world." Things will keep getting easier, little by little. I'm confident about that. Just keep the communication channels flowing as cleanly as you can.

You're doing good, man; keep on truckin'!
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote