ON DISCERNMENT AND INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Man, I wish I had more time to write. Stuff just keeps happening lately.
But I wanted to remember this thought too. I came to revisit something about my spouse I hadn't thought of in a while on the forest level (ex: last 5 years) but keep revisiting lately on the tree level (last 2 mos) as we meet some life challenges that are going down right now in quick succession.
I don't love conflict, but if I have to be doing conflict resolution? I'm a fan of doing it with him. My fav person to have conflict resolution with -- because he's so sane about it.
Whether he and I are at odds. Or I'm at odds with myself and need a sounding board.
DH gets that there are times for discernment and sometimes it is hard to tell where the thing (whatever it is) ranks.
- IMPORTANT AND URGENT at this time
- IMPORTANT but not urgent at this time
- Not important, but URGENT at this time.
- Not important and not urgent at this time.
Something else he gets that I'm trying to tell the kid lately:
The "definites" are easy to discern.
- A definite "yes" is a (YES! Joyous, eager definite yes! WOOOOHOOO!) kind of thing.
- A definite "no" is a (NO WAY, JOSE! NOT IF HELL FREEZES NO!) kind of thing.
What do you do when it isn't
easy to discern?
Could decide make it easy on self and make a standard to measure by.
Me? My standard?
I go with all of these:
- A less than joyous, eager, definite yes.
- A "meh" yes -- like could take it or leave it.
- I dunno.
- An uncertain no. Tempted... though.
.... are NOT eager or joyous yes.
There. Done. Then when I'm not sure I can check against that.
I could vote "no confidence" and just decide to call it a "NO" and just proceed as if it were a definite no. Made the call.
So I can get on with life and deciding things. Not be stuck going around in circles. Feel some relief. Or disappointment. Or a mixture -- but I can get on
with the show now. Woot. Firm of purpose. Because this I choose.
I was talking to the kid this morning.
Me: Well, how do you want to take it?
Kid: I dunno. I'm not sure.
Me: Kid, let me teach you something about discernment. Joyful YES like --- tada!!!!! That is a yes. Anything less than that is not a joyful yes.
Me: Repeat it back so I know you got it.
Kid: Anything less than joyful yes is NOT a joyful yes.
Me: So when I ask you "Are you going to be ok, or do we need to go back to the house to get it?" on the way to school what do you tell me? Because only you know yourself.
Kid: I dunno. I'm not sure... and that's not joyful yes?
Me: Yup. So since it is not joyful yes that you can live without your thing, we best go back to get it. That could make us tardy, and that the price of admission. You prepared to own that?
Kid: Yup. I can own it.
Me: Alright, back we go, we accept we could be tardy and we just decide to live with it then as the price of admission. We are firm of purpose now and not wibbling about making it bigger than it needs to be. A decision was made. On with the show.
Kid: Yup. And hey, we get another shot tomorrow at getting out of here with no tardy. If we get a tardy today.
Me: Right. Not the end of the world. We can handle this.
She probably thinks we're talking about only tardy marks at school.
I'm talking about that. And I'm also talking about giving child the skills of discernment so she can resolve INNER conflict for herself.
Clear doubts away so you can become firm of purpose and get on with whatever it is.
If you put off making a call so you can make a decisions you lose opportunities.
Including the opportunity to lead a less stressy life.