Thread: Vicki's Journey
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Old 12-03-2013, 09:17 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 176

My email to my husband:

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It's funny... I've tried to spend the evening analyzing myself because sometimes introspection is a good thing. I have found that I've learned a lot about myself over the past two years even when it hurts.

I'm a total fucking mess right now, and it's not why you think. I feel like just a few months ago, I had everything I wanted. Well, with the exception of a good relationship with my mother. But nothing's perfect, and I could deal with that.

First, there's [our son]. He's much better and we're having more good days than bad, but he's still just a little lighter on the emotional trigger, a little tougher to console, still showing signs of regression, and just in general not quite himself. I talked to a friend of mine about it and she said it might last months. So he's tapping much more of my energy and I'm happy to give it to him because I know he needs me but it's really rough when I'm tapped out. But he pretty much said it all today. He was angry and told me to go away forever when I forced him to take cough syrup (he's sick again which means maybe no school tomorrow), but then he cried and told me to stay by his bed and cuddle him and never go. He needs me so much right now.

And yeah, I got dumped. Shit happens. I'm more worried about the lack of extended sessions of oral and the lack of someone to go to parties with, to be honest. He was fun to hang out with but I'm sure there are lots of people who are fun to hang out with and do kinky stuff with. It was just great sex and great kink along with someone whose company was enjoyable, and a massive endorphin rush from those activities. Was he a real coward and an asshole the way he dumped me? Absolutely. But now my worry is that I can't go to parties in [city] by myself and right now I don't want to run into him and I don't know if my friends are still my friends since they were his first.

But the big issue is you. You're the glue that holds my life together. When things go wrong, I need you. My first thought is always that I want you to hold me. Now. And the thought that I might lose the thing in my life that truly matters (other than [our son]) is what makes me feel like my world is crumbling around me. It's like I had all my ducks in a row and someone shot them all out of the pond. Hmm. Guess the simile falls apart because having ducks in a row makes them easier to shoot. But you get the idea.

I just simply cannot deal and yet I don't see how we're going to make it work and that crushes me even more. Are there things that I want, that I'm willing to compromise? Absolutely. I have made some along the way, as I know you have. But I've treated you very badly and I want to acknowledge that. It was really selfish of me to try and get you together with E at my party. I wanted it so, so badly, but it wasn't fair to you and I can see how difficult I made it for you. I should have been more respectful of you.

But I think emotional monogamy is going to be a dealbreaker for me, ultimately. I remember back to January when I fucked all those random guys after my breakup with L and it just didn't make me happy. It's fun once in a while to just fuck a new cock without worrying about anything else, but it doesn't meet that need I have for connection along with it. It doesn't need to be love. I just need at least friendship, communication, and enjoyment of company. Throw in kink and I'm a very happy woman.

You don't meet my need for intimacy and physical contact. You just don't want it as often as I do, and it's the primary way that I feel close to someone. I need that touch, that sense of rightness when I'm being held. When you give it to me and there's no expectation of time pressure, it's so good that I could cry. But you have to be honest that you rarely do. I know my need for touch is much, much higher than yours. But I lose my connection when I don't get that, and even if we keep that going, I am just not having my needs met. If you can't give that to me then I need it elsewhere. A casual fuck is not going to hold me the way I need to be held. There has to be something there that's more than sex to meet that. That, and my sex drive is much higher than yours. I would have sex twice a day for multiple hours a session if I could. I know that's not something you want or enjoy. This isn't a need, it's just a want. But I find if I'm not having sex, it's easier to keep not having it, and before I know it I'm starved for physical contact at all. And then my heart starts hurting and I feel distant and that negative feedback loop starts.

Then there's the D/s. It's not all about just flogging someone or whatnot. What really arouses me is the power. I think I commented to you before, would you let someone you only knew casually put you in unbreakable bondage? You admitted that you would not, and it would be stupid to say yes. And having a man on his knees in front of me, knowing that he will take pleasure out of making me happy, whatever that is- it's a rush beyond all rushes. But once again- a man that I do stuff with every once in a while and have no connection to will be simply playing a role- he's not really invested in my happiness. So I don't get that charge that I want so badly. It's why it means so much to me when you do the little things just to make me happy. It's nearly as satisfying to have you fill my water without being asked as it would be to have you do some kinky thing for me. I enjoy the little aspects of power exchange nearly as much as the actual kink activities themselves. Or rather, I enjoy the way the kinky activities foster that power exchange, if it makes sense. It's why it gets me so hot in a certain way to fuck you up the ass- I claim you as mine. I take what I want. And then afterwards there's almost a blanket of intimacy between us- I'm sure you know what I mean. I feel so close to you when we do things like that. But it's also not something I WANT to do unless things are good between us, because I know it won't be any more than fucking. It's the connection that matters to me the most. Am I being clearer about my thoughts? It's really hard to write all this to you.

The last thing I ever wanted to do is hurt you. I love you more than anything, and I want to be your wife. I feel like I'm not myself if I'm not with you, and not in a codependent way. It's more than I feel more myself because I'm with you. It's like I feel like I can take these leaps and explore myself and learn more about who I am and the way I think because I have a man who loves me and accepts me no matter what. I'm sorry that I've treated you poorly and that I didn't give you what you needed to make you happy. Sometimes I have trouble seeing your side of things because I suppose I've become immersed enough that what I do is normal, and so I forget that this is something that is way out there to you.

Where I feel that I am now though, is that I will wind up being tempted to cheat on you emotionally and just trying to hide it. I can promise you to try and restrict my activities to what you want, but I don't know that I'll be able to keep that, and I don't want to lie to you. One thing that I have loved about having this style of marriage is that I can be open and honest with you and I felt like it brought us closer together. If I start lying to you now just to make my life more convenient, we might as well just call it quits. It's one reason I really hate the Don't Ask Don't Tell that you want, because I feel like it puts walls between us. That's what spurred my disrespectful behaviour towards your need to be away from it, because I was frustrated at the idea that I had things in my life I couldn't tell you. That doesn't excuse me pushing you out of your comfort zone though.

My mind can't even comprehend a life without you. Certainly, I don't want [our son] deprived of his father. You are an amazing father and I want us to be a family. But I also don't want to make you miserable and I don't want to make me miserable. So I don't know what to do. All I can do is pour out my heart and tell you what I've been thinking about. I don't know where this leaves us.

Believe me, if I could give up my need and not have it anymore to keep you happy, I would. But it's not a want. I can trace it back through all the ways we've connected through our entire relationship. Remember how I'd always want you in the bed for cuddles and you'd always be trying to escape? It was my way of feeling close to you, secure, and it made me happy. I know you never liked that- you're not as much for touch as I am. I need it to be happy, though. I don't mind having the general need met elsewhere as long as I still have some intimate touch (not necessarily sex) with you. It's when I don't get any with you that it becomes a real problem whether I'm getting it elsewhere or not.

So please don't think this is me being selfish and just trying to take... that's the last thing I'd ever want. Is there any way that we can make this work? I just wish I knew some way to show you how much I love you and what you mean to me. I want to cut through all the crap that we do to each other and go back to having our healthy, open, and honest relationship. We're both tapped out and then it's so hard for us to relate to each other in the way we both need. We're both very different in ways of internalizing and externalizing the way we relate to one another that it takes that extra work to do it... and when we're both drained it can be tough for us to go the extra mile and do what needs to be done.

Let me know when you're ready to talk.

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Me: 32 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People: Mark/StbxH, my husband of ten years, now separated with no desire of reconciliation.
Henry, 28yrs, my collared submissive, dating for 11 months and recently cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 39yrs, dating for a year. Married and has other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
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