Yeah, I think a big part of what I'm feeling is confusion, because it just doesn't make sense that he spent all our time together being so loving and caring towards me, and then for this to come out like a bolt from the blue. But in the end, I suppose it really doesn't matter.
What I guess makes me feel even sadder is that now I feel that I can't attend the parties I had wanted to. They're in his city and I have nowhere to stay there now, and I am not really up to facing him right now. But this was my outlet- my personal life has become really stressful lately, and just winding down and having some sex and cuddles or some BDSM play really helped me out.
I mean, I'm sure I'll find another man. I worried about that when my relationship with L ended, but logically I know there will always be another man. And perhaps I won't have those niggling doubts if I find someone who wants the same things that I do- I knew this relationship was unbalanced and that I was suppressing things that I wanted. But, the endorphin rush was so good, that it was worth it. Perhaps the fizzle would have come for me at some point too, although I probably would have been willing to accept it for much longer because of the great sex. Hell, I would have been willing to drop to merely FWB with him if he'd wanted, but either he didn't think of that or wasn't interested. I have more self respect than to suggest it.
But I digress. My point is, is this all that it is? Since I'm happily married, and I'm not looking for a co-primary situation, is my life going to be one heartbreak after another as relationships end? I don't know if I can handle that. A few months of happiness, and then the pain of loss? I'm not good at protecting my heart; when I'm falling for someone, I leave myself wide open. My husband has always said I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I'm thinking that perhaps what I should take away from this relationship is that it is helping my husband and I communicate better again. I wrote him a really long email that basically described my wants and needs and thoughts, and he really listened to me. I hope now that he understands my needs a little better.
But as for what to do in the future? I have no idea. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I can't even think of this continuing to happen over and over, but I also know I won't be happy remaining monogamous. It seems like a problem with no solution.
In the next post is the email I sent to my husband, if anyone cares. He had asked me why I had to keep having more... why I couldn't just be happy with an open marriage. And he's right. When we first negotiated this, it was purely sex only, and it was supposed to be when he was on the road, not when he was home. Then there was that fucking mess with L where I fell in love and didn't talk to him about it until the situation had already progressed to becoming a problem. Yay me. I was just so selfish that I didn't want to give up something that made me happy, so I tried not to consider his wants and needs because I wanted him to put them aside for me. And you know what? He did.
Then I got into kink, and he was okay with me starting to go away on weekends for parties even if he was home because he wanted me to be happy. He keeps giving and giving and I keep wanting more. It's been so hard not knowing myself, what I need and want, because the last thing I want to do is hurt him like this. So I really tried to sit down and tell him everything so that he can make a decision about what he needs.
And once again, he's tried to give me what I want. He thanked me for writing the email and took it to heart. He told me that I could have my weekends, and have a real relationship if that's what I needed to have. Just for the meantime, he didn't want to have to see it. That meant no texting when he was around. If that wouldn't make me happy, then he asked me to close for three months to give him some time to process and to work on our marriage together, and he'll see if it's something he can handle then. He thinks that it might be possible if we're back on good footing again, now that he understands more about where I'm coming from.
It's funny how writing it all out shows me how lucky I've gotten in my marriage. I guess sometimes our perspective gets so biased and skewed that you forget to see things from the other person's side. He deserves better than he has gotten from me.
Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 10 years) who has FWBs. Dating Jennifer, 5 months, and Henry, 4 months.