I really appreciate this continued conversation. Thanks for giving voice to some of my concerns in a way I wasn't able to. Reading others words so succinct, coherent and clean helps tremendously in helping sort out my feelings.
My gf has always done dadt and is scared but willing to give our unfolding without it a chance. We thankfully do not share many social circles so chance run-ins and accidental bumping into problems are greatly reduced. That being said there have been 2 - 3 events where we've *almost* had run ins with the ex (since they broke up) and it did impact my gf. She got nervous and developed an escape route plan. This impacts me because I would have potentially been left on my own. That sucks.
The ex does not want to meet, refused to meet while they were together and likely will not want to meet me moving forward.
As far as meeting partners or not, this is just how I do my non-monogamy. I am not forcing anyone to comply with this standard but have found it significantly reduced anxiety and amplified calmness to see and chat with the person. Doesn't have to be a huge big deal just a simple meeting. I did have one situation where I was the primary and the secondary who'd been on the scene longer than me requested the meet. She wanted to make agreements specifically with me so there wouldn't be triangulation in communication with the person we shared. I felt incredibly reassured by this. A simple gesture of kindness and respect goes a long to dismantling the panic button. Not every situation will work out that way but I like striving for this in my relations.
The world was made round so we cannot see too far ahead