Originally Posted by Bluebird
I am clear in my OKC profile that I am married and have a boyfriend. And that I am searching for a third. It's all up front. I get a lot of garbage because of that (messages asking me DTF? And calling me a whore) but I think it helps to have it there. So far I have only had two possibilities that I've actually gone out with that were identifying as mono. One was a douchebag that I would have pepper sprayed if I had some to use, and the other I am now embarking on a real relationship with (I hope). His plan is to remain mono with me and see how it goes. My husband is mono with me, so I am ok with that, but I do worry about the new guy turning cowboy. So far he has been very proactive with asking questions and talking about how he sees things moving forward. I haven't gotten that vibe yet. We have only been dating for a couple weeks though, and we have been intimate once. *shrugs*
I absolutely don't want to be someone's "experiment" with non monogamy. I get a lot of messages from guys who are "willing to try it" and those get deleted. Just the way they word things, it is clear they will dump me in a hot minute once they meet a girl who is willing to be monogamous. I want to be a viable relationship in my own right, not something they do to kill time, if that makes sense.
With my new potential, he has never given me any indications as of yet that this is his plan, and we have talked about it. He knows what my intentions are, andI think I understand his motivations, so it's all good.
My advice is to give those mono guys a chance, but don't be stupid about it.
That's how I am progressing, anyway.
That's what I'm going to try and do.
Originally Posted by Ariakas
I tend not to approach mono people for poly relationships. In fact I tend to avoid them like the plague. The drama.. the feeling of being the teacher, the parental responsibility over their mono feelings.. too much work for me.
When I was just in it for the sex.. I approached mono people all the time. The boundary of non-monogamy is a lot lighter when its just fucking.
I realize I have created a potential boundary to a set of people that may be able to work within the constraints (or freedoms) or a non-monogamous relationship. I just don't want to put in that kind of work at the very early stages of a relationship.
Actually, the incident that put me off most happened when I was "just fucking". Basically this guy started trying to like cuckold my partners by saying things like "If you were getting good sex, you wouldn't be here now". I really thought this guy understood the poly thing and that I wouldn't be okay with him saying those kinds of things.
Originally Posted by YouAreHere
As a mono person, I feel the same way, just on the flip side. If P and I didn't work out, and I decided to go off dating again, would I start in a poly relationship with someone I just met? No, most likely not. Not with someone I don't already have a prior relationship and connection with.
It's the same as an LDR for me - I wouldn't get into one with someone I just met. But for someone I already know and care for? Maybe.
Anyhoo... as a mono, your statement doesn't bug me, since I see your position from the other side of the fence. Sometimes, regardless of whether we're mono or poly, it's nice to put down the analyzing, communication, and mechanics and just ENJOY the relationship.
So if you were dating again, would you actively avoid dating poly men? As in reject them regardless of how compatible they seemed in other ways?