Thread: A Dilemma
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Old 03-30-2010, 06:44 AM
jv02vd jv02vd is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 6

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I don't know if there are any guidelines really, it is all so individual. I am not sure I understand if you are still intimately involved with her or not. I'm also not clear why you would have to "join" them. Could you not date her? Why would he have to be a part of that?
Well, the location situation makes it a bit hard to casually date. Both me and Mr Poly Guy are in one city, and she's close enough to make the trip regularly but it takes time and money. Any relationship is going to involve a significant commitment. We can't just go on a casual date, one of us will have to spend two/three hours in transit and then probably spend a couple days with each other. I'm working on that though.

Have you told her anything about how you feel? That would be a good place to start I think... I mean tell her that you are noticing changes in your depression that are making you stir in ways that you had not been able to be stirred in a long time. That you are having feelings that you haven't had in a long time... loving feelings towards her and others that you didn't think you could have again.. all this in an informative way rather than a hoe and heavy way.
I'm planning on telling her how I feel. Me being a monogamous sort though, it feels weird "confessing" to a girl in a relationship, even an open one, and especially if that can't help but carry the message that I'm asking her if she wants to leave him for me. I don't know how poly people approach other poly people, or how they approach non-poly people, and I thought that might be something good to find out as it's the part of this that I least understand.

Do you think that this change is permanent? Is it possible to not act just yet and just experience what you feel for a while and see where it takes you? It sounds like she isn't going anywhere so why rush?
To be honest, the change already wasn't "permanent". I went through maybe two days of freedom, a brief flash of really strong feelings for her, a whole wave of heartbreak and angst once I realized what I lost, and then the depression kind of took over again... all in the space of maybe a week. Right now, I can't sense those feelings at all and other girls look just as good, but now I'm pretty sure that's the depression talking. I'm fighting it though, and I think I can beat it, and I think those feelings for her are hiding behind it. And I think I have to deal with them before I can properly move forward, either by reconnecting with her or by finally giving her the choice she should have had from the beginning and getting my closure.

But her needs come first, y'know? I want to be respectful of her feelings and her current situation. If I do this, I want to do it in a way that isn't going to cause massive drama. I'm trying to muddle through all of that, my needs and hers, as best I can. I thought a poly eye on the situation might help.

How about this - if you really liked a person who was in an open relationship, would you approach them any differently than if they were singe? What if you and their primary don't get along, would that make a difference?
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