Thread: A Dilemma
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:25 AM
jv02vd jv02vd is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 6
Default A Dilemma

Okay, so I'm in this really awkward situation, and need a Poly opinion. I'm a very monogamous sort myself, which is partly what this situation is about, so I really need that other perspective. Thanks in advance.

The Context

I've been battling with depression off and on for, oh, maybe all of a decade. Four years ago there was this girl I liked, and she liked me, and things were good... but one of the first things that disappear under depression for me is feelings of "in love". I don't even really get crushes. I didn't really know what was going on at that point, but I enjoyed her and she enjoyed me so things were pretty stable. I always felt that we were a bit asymmetrical, with more feelings on her side than on mine, but we worked pretty well together.

This guy came along though, exactly her "type" (way more than me) and big on the poly scene. She's poly herself, so I gave permission for them to fool around a bit. I was comfortable with that, still am a bit. Only, turns out "fooling around" led to romantic feelings, and that I wasn't comfortable with.

Keeping in mind that I hadn't had any real romantic feelings myself in a while, I let her go off in that direction. More than that, honestly, I kind of made the decision for her, that she'd be with him and I'd just be her friend.

It's been two years since then, and I'm still her friend, and she's still with Mr Poly Guy. Not his primary last I heard, but that's like a year out of date, and I'm pretty sure she's only with him even though they're fully "open". I don't know what kind of feelings are involved between them (she's had perfect opportunities to use the word "love" and worked her way around them as recently as last week), but I know she's happy with her situation right now.

For my part I've been through four other relationships, all of which were rather flat emotionally, and all ended with the girl leaving me for various reasons. I'm still friends with all of them though, which is good, but may tell you a lot about my lack of major romantic feelings.

The Dilemma

Recently, I've had some real breakthroughs on the depression side of things. I felt more awake than I had in ages, happier, more in control of my life. Very suddenly though, all those feelings for that first girl came flooding back. I was still in love with her! The whole thing was overwhelming, one of the most powerful emotions I can remember experiencing. All other romantic options seemed meaningless in comparison.

I don't know how (or if) I can proceed though. It feels wrong to make moves on her if she's with someone else, and if she came back to me then I'm not really comfortable with her staying with Mr Poly Guy. He's a really strong personality and kind of intimidates me, and that's part of the reason why I gave up on her back two years ago. I was scared of competing with him and losing, and in my mildly-depressed mindframe she didn't seem worth fighting for. I was wrong.

The Questions

Is there a socially acceptable way to handle this situation? I really don't get along well with Mr Poly Guy (partially because he intimidates me, and I get defensive, although he seems nice enough otherwise), so I'm not really up for just joining the open relationship. Is that my choice though? Is it a massive breach of etiquette if I present my case to her and let her decide? Are there any customs or guidelines I can use in situations like these?

Last edited by jv02vd; 03-30-2010 at 05:57 AM.
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