Thread: Starting fresh
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Old 12-03-2013, 10:20 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

You are in a brilliant position. Simply because you can decide on rules and boundaries for yourself without the influence of your current relationship. That doesn't mean that you won't adapt to the wishes and boundaries of a partner, but you can firmly say "No, I don't want this thing in my relationships so I wont date anyone who does want or have that thing or belief".

Let me give you an example, I feel that casual sex is fine as part of polyamorous relationships, I feel that casual sex amongst consenting people is generally fine. Except if one or both are cheating, of course. Now, because I went into this poly thing as a single person, opposed to opening a monogamous relationship it makes it easy for me to say "I do and plan to continue to have casual sex as and when I wish to. If you're not okay with that then we are incompatible". But if I had a partner who was strongly against casual sex and we were opening our previously monogamous relationship, I would have to factor in their beliefs whilst we create this new normal. Our beliefs on casual sex were quite irrelevant once we committed monogamously to one another, but now we are no longer monogamous, it has become an incompatibility. Not one that can't be solved with a simple "we'll both have the sex we want to have and be content" but that doesn't always go simply. It can be extremely hard to let go of the idea that what your partner does in their other romantic and/or sexual relationships doesn't need to affect your relationship with them. Just read this forum for proof of that.

When you're single, you can say "this is my normal, you're welcome to be a part of it".
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