You are welcome. I am glad it was useful to you.
Here's the bits that popped out at me:
My fear comes from inviting someone into what feels like a safe space and having to trust that they won't steal her away. That they won't undermind me and our relationship. That they are enlightened and want us to succeed.
This seems like "fear of the unknown stranger" -- and I sometimes have that anxiety too. I note how you feel more comfortable with the already poly guy and not the non-poly guy. Is it because you perceive him as having "poly skills?"
I know my partner. I know how he works and what he is capable of. A wild card stranger -- I do not. It takes TIME to know them and how they move in the world. What their intentions and character might be. That's the price of admission to getting to know new people, right?
You could talk to your hinge or to your potential meta to lay out reasonable expectations of each other and yourself during a transition time.
Maybe that could lessen the fear?
But I think there lies the crux of my problem. I'm NOT sure if I'm cut out for a Polyamorous relationship or not. It's not been something I've aspired to. I know a lot of our views are shaped by experiences and society around us and I'm willing to entertain the possibility.
To me that reads as...
Polyship? I don't know if it is for me. I am willing to try. But at this time...
- I don't know that I have the skills to be ABLE to execute it well.
- I don't know that my partner has the skills to be ABLE to execute it well.
- I don't know that my potential metamour has the skills to be ABLE to execure it well.
It doesn't seem to be about "willingness" here. But about "ability" to execute well and if required, ability to handle a break up without "devastation."
You could sort out you. And since she's here, help her sort out her. Then the only wildcard is the meta and sort with them next when they appear on the scene. Agree on a non-devastating break up plan if it comes to pass.
Could accept you cannot have it ALL sorted right now, but perhaps doing some
of that work and REDUCING the load you would have to sort later could help ease your burden now? You could take comfort that it is not complete, but it IS moving forward?
All I know is I'm willing to take this journey but it scares the hell out of me.
Of course. Anything new is sometimes scary.
Who do you need comfort and reassurance from? You? Her? The potential metamour? All the above?
I worry about feeling less loved. I will get less of the pie. Her heart may have the same feelings for me, but she will be dividing her available time in smaller chunks. It's just math.
No, not just math to me. That is assessing human and non-human resources for the new thing.
Time, money, bedroom/living spaces/cars -- those kinds of non-human resources could factor in.
Intrapersonal skills, interpersonal skills -- those kinds of human resources could factor in.
You seem to be saying "I would like my GF to demonstrate loving behavior toward me by making time to spend with me. "
What about the next part of that?
"I would want _____ amount of time each week just with me so can know I am loved, valued and we can connect."
It's good you are doing that -- being realistic about the future lay of the land. That in itself is a good thing -- some people just jump in without thinking out what their way of going will be for dating, problem solving, time management, conflict resolution, etc.
Or what resources they have to hand to be doing it with.
Continue to do your self care so you can be calmer, and then keep thinking things out like you are -- one thing at a time, practical things, realistic things, etc.
Nobody says you have to Open this minute. She could enjoy her crushes while sorting with you -- and it may take a while to get your boundaries and agreements laid out.
Don't skimp on it just because she's in a rush to date a crush. It will either still be there or not. Or if she's not in a rush or under "whooshy!" feelings, but it is you who feel "whooshy" emotional flooding.... don't project your own sense of urgency to this and distort it.
It's important, yes. But it is not important AND urgent. There's no fire.
You can handle this in your own good time... so could take the time to assess well.
- Deal with the emotional flooding first.
- Then deal with the sorting of boundaries and agreements if you are both willing and able to go there. (If you find either of you or both of you are not able yet, take a time out to become able and grow whatever skills need growing first.)
You can think this out and make your decisions. You can handle this. You will be ok.
Hang in there!