View Single Post
  #16  
Old 03-30-2010, 01:31 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,401
Default

Well-here's the hard part.

It's often in HOW one says what they feel. Not in how they actually feel-that problems arise.

It's ok for him to FEEL anything.
It's ok for you to FEEL anything.

The key is to be sure you convey that in your responses.


(you might check out the communication thread-I did a whole he said/she said work up in that one awhile back)

For example:

You sit down to talk, he says "I don't like how fast you go from being introduced to Joe Bloe to being in bed with Joe Bloe."

First you respond-"If I understand you correctly you don't like how fast I feel comfortable sleeping with someone new in my life, is that correct?"

The REASON for this SEEMINGLY obvious statement is to make sure he MEANT what he SAID-because honestly 9 times out of 10, they/we don't actually SAY what we mean, we just THINK we do.

THEN-once you are sure you understand what he meant and he has confirmed that you do:

You respond with something like this,

" I understand how moving at the pace I do in relationships would be difficult for you. That makes perfect sense. I would never expect you to be comfortable with moving that quickly-it's just not what you are comfortable with, but we're different that way-it's one of the things I like about you. I allow myself to move at a pace that is comfortable for me. Of course that doesn't mean I expect you to be like me just because you love me, I only ask that you accept me for who I am, because if I weren't who I am, well then you wouldn't love ME."

You can flip things around and use your own words. The point is to confirm his right to his feelings, confirm his right to manage his relationships as HE is comfortable, while also reiterating your intent to remain true to what is comfortable for you.


Now, I'll tell you straight up, GENERALLY this tends to PISS PEOPLE OFF at first. But it really is the key to solving the problem. EITHER they will figure out that it truly is healthier, more mature and more reasonable for people in general to accept that we are all different, respect those differences and be harmonious, or they will leave; allowing you to be more intent on putting your time and effort into relationships with people who DO respect you and love you for WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

Please feel free to read through my history on here-it took me a LONG time to come to turns with the reality that trying to be that which I was not was only hurting not only me, but my husband, children, friends, family as well. When I put my foot down and started being myself-a lot of people were ticked off AT FIRST. Almost all of them have come around to acknowledge that now that I've got 6 months in of being ME for real, I am easier to get along with, happier and making much much more progress in my life and my relationships in all arenas-even those who are NOT pro-polyamory...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote