I am a 24-year-old woman and my primary partner is a 24-year-old male. We have been cohabiting and connecting romantically and sexually with each other for more than a year.
I have known I was inclined toward polyamory for a long time, but have kept that part buried because I was worried it would lead to adultery. I have never cheated on a partner and the idea of it terrifies me. It was only in my last relationship that I actually stepped forward and tried to date other people, obviously with my partner's consent and participation. Sadly, after a particularly bad date, I gave up.
Fast-forward: My current relationship got a head start on poly because I already had mostly-secret feelings for the person who would now be considered my secondary when it started. This person is a 19-year-old male. My current primary and I talked about my feelings for him a lot before we decided we would both be open to a poly lifestyle. Then the person I had feelings for became part of our three-person group. I'll just start capitalizing Primary and Secondary for readers' convenience, although we don't use the terms ourselves.
Anyway, I felt like things moved naturally for us. Our Secondary is closer to me than he is to the Primary, so I'm not sure if this situation would be considered a Vee. We think of it as a three-person group anyway.
I should note that my Secondary and I don't have a sexual relationship, just a romantic one. Part of the reason is that we are currently living in different parts of the world, and I cannot travel for a mix of health and legal reasons (nothing terrible, but enough to prevent safe travel for now). I don't like cyber sex, phone sex, Webcam sex, or taking or receiving explicit photos, and the Third respects my boundaries.
Instead, we buy and send each other romantic gifts, talk for hours every day either through messaging or on the phone, occasionally go on Webcam to flirt, and tell each other we love each other. It has been this way for a little more than a year. The Secondary says this is the most emotionally intimate relationship of his life, and it's certainly up there for me as well.
However, I have recently been pushing our Secondary to get a primary partner of his own because I don't like the idea of his sexual needs not being met. The Primary and I have introduced him to girls from his area and given him dating advice.
So, we were both very happy to hear that our Secondary recently got his own primary partner and they are sexually and emotionally intimate! The Primary and I have been a little jealous as well, but mostly just happy that all of his needs can be met now
The question I would like advice on is how to present this information to the Secondary's new partner. Let's call her Newbie. Until further notice, I am assuming that we are "broken up" with our Secondary, unless and until the Newbie gives approval. The Secondary says the Newbie is open-minded and he would be surprised if she did not approve, especially since this is a romantic rather than sexual relationship, not to mention long-distance. The most sexual thing we ever really do is light Dom/sub roleplay, but it's not even explicit.
But should the Secondary bring this up to the Newbie so soon in the relationship? Should he wait another week or two, then bring it up? Or should, as the Third says, I just message the Newbie and explain all of this to her directly? Or should we all have a big group chat and talk about it together?
I just want the Newbie to set boundaries for what the Secondary is and is not allowed to do and say to us. The Primary and I would be sure to follow these rules perfectly, if only we had them.
But I am so scared of causing problems for a happy new relationship that I kind of just want to go away and not make them deal with me and the Primary at all
The Secondary says he still wants us to continue our romantic relationship, though, as it is apparently still fulfilling for him.
Can more experienced poly people please advise? I am sorry if this all seems silly to you
I just want to be a decent person and not hurt people.