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Old 12-02-2013, 09:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
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Could remember you are not your friend. You are YOU. Don't ADD to your own load fretting over what happened to him. That was his situation.

Let me repeat that back to you to see if I got it right. I could be wrong:
  • I'm afraid to agree date her concurrently with other people because then (she will decide? I will decide?) I will mean less (to her). Then I will have to ______?
  • (I don't know what to guess here. What would you put?)
  • I'm afraid to agree date her concurrently with other people because ultimately she will decide to break up with me. Then I will have to ___?
  • Handle feelings of loss?
  • Heal?
  • Start dating again later when I am ready?
  • I'm afraid to agree date her concurrently with other people because after trying it on I might find out that I AM a monogamous guy who prefers to be relating in monoship shape. Polyshipping it just not for me. Then I will have to ___?
  • Expect me to be assertive about meeting my needs?
  • Expect me to bow out of the polyship and deal with feelings of loss? Heal? Date again when I am ready?
  • Something else?
Most of those seem to revolve around fear of breaking up in general, fear of HER doing the breaking up, or YOU having to do the breaking up. Is that part of it?

It seems to go right to break up too. There's not stop in between for conflict resolution? How strong are your conflict resolution skills with her? Are they weak? Is that part of what ADDS to the fear?

Have you ever broken up WELL? Have all the break up experiences been horrible? Perhaps talking about how to break up well if it has to happen with her could help make it less scary so you can be less fearful?

Not that you WANT to break up, but if it has to be then HOW will you break up so it is a decent break up for both?

It's good you want to reflect on your willingness to participate and your ability to participate before jumping in.
  • Am I willing to participate? What blocks my willingness? Can it be changed in time? Or no?
  • Am I able to participate?What blocks my ability? Can it be changed in time? Or no?

Maybe you want to think about pitfalls and handling jealousy together:

Labriola: Poly Hell
Labriola: Jealousy
Wagner: Pitfalls
Wagner: Jealousy

Maybe that changes your "willing and able" some.

But before all that you could figure out what YOU are. Since people sometimes use words differently, I give you my definitions. You could determine which of the pairs is more "you" at this time.

LOVE SHARE
  • Monoamorous (desire or capacity to share your love with only one person at a time)
  • Polyamorous (desire or capacity to share your love with more than one person at a time)

SEX SHARE
  • 1 partner sex (desire or capacity to share sex with ONE lover only)
  • Polysexual (desire or capacity to share sex with more than one lover, not necessarily group sex)

RELATIONSHIP MODEL
  • monogamous shape (desire to participate in a relationship model with ONLY 2 people in it. Married or not)
  • polygamous shape (desire to participate in a relationship model with more than 2 people in it -- married or dating or whatever it is.)

So at the end you ought to have (3) words to describe you -- for your preferred way to share love, share sex, and what relating shape it comes in.

She could do the same.

Then you can determine if you match up or not and if you are
  • staying the same shape but continuing richer for having had the conversation and knowing each other better
  • changing shapes and continuing in a new way (ex: open to poly, break up and be friends, etc)
  • no longer continuing at all in any shape (ex: break up and never speak again.)

If the bottom line is that you have no desire at all to go there, and you know this NOW? Rather than putting it off letting her know you could be up front about right now. Limit reached. No. Not willing to participate in a polyship with your GF. It isn't your thing, and that's totally fine.

Discernment may be hard to FEEL. But sorting yourself out is just sorting yourself out in your thoughts and what you want to do next.

Let yourself calm down first if your head is spinning. Do your self care. THEN go about sorting yourself out from a cool headed place. You can do this!

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-02-2013 at 10:31 PM.
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