I could use some advice
I'm new here. In fact I'm new to poly in general. It wasn't really my choice, but it has come up a lot in the last handful of years for me. I was very closed to the idea four years ago when my girlfriend at the time brought up to me. Now, I don't think it would have worked with her regardless. From what I can tell TRUST is a big thing in poly and that was what ended our relationship. I think she thought of it as a fix and that's not really what poly is about. At least from what I've ready and heard from others. So fast forward...
My current girlfriend of a year and a half is amazing. Challenging, mind you, but amazing. Being with a bisexual, sexually submissive, slightly neurotic, lyme disease suffering celiac has been an interesting road. But she has one of the biggest hearts and really is a partner in the true sense.
A little background on me... I'm gone a lot. My job normally takes me out of town for a month or two at a time. While away, I had agreed that a little bondage S&M play dates for her was ok. We set up the rules and made sure it was all above board and honest. That was back in January. So recently I was out of town for four months. One of the biggest away trips of my career. Now, I flew home once and she came over twice, so it's not like was didn't see each other the whole time. BUT that's challenging for any relationship.
So I guess she has been struggling with this. But not just with me. She has developed feelings for others in the past while in a relationship. She never acted on them, but she had them. They were what lead to her ending it with many past boyfriends. She loves me! I know that. And I love her. We want to spend a life together. But she is starring to realize she isn't wired to be purely monogamous.
I love this girl with all of my heart. When I'm away from her it's her that I think of before I sleep. She's a part of my conversation with colleagues. Everyone in my life loves her. I'm struggling with being ok with this. I lost my mother at 13 and I believe I have a few abandonment issues when it comes to women. This is bringing up ALL my insecurities. So here I am posting on a chat board to random strangers asking for advice. I've completely overshared. I'm not someone to normally does this. But I don't want to lose her. I know it's going to have to be me coming to grips with this. But it makes me feel less important and really, a little less loved.
So to those of you who have made this journey from being a fairly "normal" guy by society's standards to becoming more open, what was your journey like? I know everyone's is singular and unique, but I feel very alone right now. HALP!
Singing in Seattle