Thread: Am I Okay?
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:37 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default the void

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amiirov View Post
I've been struggling most of my life with depression. I had a really rough childhood (drugs, murder, etc), and for years I blamed my emptiness inside on those things and those people that hurt me. I'm starting to believe my problems are more with sexual /romantic frustration. Something I have never once considered before.

I've always had a feeling like I'm missing something inside. Each person I spend a significant amount of time with seems to fill some smaller part of that void. I've fallen in love many times, but I've always been the one to fall out first. I've broken up with every woman I've ever dated, for no good reason, other than the irresistible urge to become romantically interested in someone else. It doesn't matter how long I've been dating them, how well we work together, or how much I love them. No amount of emotional commitment to them could stop me from falling out of love.

...I'm addicted to making intimate connections with other human beings, learning their lives romantically and allowing them to fill another small part of the void...

I don't know. I just hop from relationship to relationship absorbing their personality and the way they make me feel, and I start longing for the uniqueness of another. I don't stop loving what comes with the current relationship, I never do. But I never feel like its enough.
Poly might work well for you. Lots of people find themselves in monogamous relationships that are happy and fulfilling but are not quite enough. You are indeed 'ok'.

But, and there is always a 'but'! Poly won't fix deeper relationship and personal concerns. You might find yourself in multiple relationships but with the same difficulties - just with more people.

If you feel a void in yourself, the thing is, other people cannot fill this void. It can feel temporarily like they are fitting in the places where you lack *something* but this is not real. It's a chemical endorphin illusion which wears off as you have discovered. Now this does not mean that your love is not real or that your lovers have not loved you back. It just means that what ails you cannot be fixed by the presence or love of another person. This does not make you unusual or broken or sick. Many,many people feel a void, including myself. But feeding the void from the outside never works to fill it. Think of it as a black hole that will never close, never be 'full' but constantly consumes.

To fill the void, you have to do something paradoxical. Stop feeding it. And start to understand it. Why is it there? What purpose does it serve in your life? What feelings is the void keeping at bay? Emptiness is a fine survival mechanism in difficult times. It protects you emotionally and mentally. But once one has survived and gotten away from the bad situation, it becomes a poor strategy to live in the world.

You might need to revisit your childhood to begin working on understanding the void. I'm sorry you endured that. It was not right and you did not deserve it. I'm glad you survived.

Poly might work for you. But it cannot fill your void. Relationships ideally help us become the best version of ourselves. But they cannot fix or heal us. Our loved ones can support our healing, encourage us, listen to our pain and troubles, and be at our side but they are not the cure. They are the reward, the carrot in my mind. I want healthy, happy relationships so I try to do the work necessary to get that outcome. I fail a lot at this. It's hard. But I've learned that it is necessary for my own growth and happiness. So I keep trying.

I wish you the best.
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