Am I Okay?
I've been struggling most of my life with depression. I had a really rough childhood (drugs, murder, etc), and for years I blamed my emptiness inside on those things and those people that hurt me. I'm starting to believe my problems are more with sexual /romantic frustration. Something I have never once considered before.
I've always had a feeling like I'm missing something inside. Each person I spend a significant amount of time with seems to fill some smaller part of that void. I've fallen in love many times, but I've always been the one to fall out first. I've broken up with every woman I've ever dated, for no good reason, other than the irresistible urge to become romantically interested in someone else. It doesn't matter how long I've been dating them, how well we work together, or how much I love them. No amount of emotional commitment to them could stop me from falling out of love.
I'm currently in the longest relationship of my life (3 years), and I truly love my girlfriend. About 18 months in I started feeling trapped again, I started craving the uniqueness of other people. I told her back then that we should take a break, that I needed a while to clear my head. I immediately hopped into an intimate friendship with a girl completely different. She made me feel happy in an entirely different way. But no matter how much I grew attached to her, I still longed for my girlfriend. We've done this about 4 times since then. It's like I need to take a momentary reprieve and discover some other soul. I'm addicted to making intimate connections with other human beings, learning their lives romantically and allowing them to fill another small part of the void. Recently, my frustration with how I feel, and the confusion, has been effecting my energy and sexual drive. I can't maintain erections because I feel so awful about how I feel. I don't like who I am.
I don't know. I just hop from relationship to relationship absorbing their personality and the way they make me feel, and I start longing for the uniqueness of another. I don't stop loving what comes with the current relationship, I never do. But I never feel like its enough.
My girlfriend is bisexual, and has been in many relationships with both genders. She's openly sexual, quite possibly nudist, and encourages me to explore my sexual nature (when she met me I was sexually conservative and romantically uninformed). She's taught me about all the types of gender expression and identity and sexuality. We've already determined that I'm panromantic heterosexual, through a very long and happy journey of self-discovery. I'm very attracted to men and women romantically, but have yet to encounter homoeroticism.
Today is the first day I have ever encountered polyamory. I've been reading all night of personal testimonies and resources, and I'm almost positive that's how I feel. The only conclusive thing I could come up with is what I would truly want my life to be...
I wanted all of these things BEFORE I knew what polyamory was. I never knew that other people felt this way, and that there was a community.
-I want a loving family and children
-A long-term relationship with my current girlfriend
-Another long-term individual(s) who satiate multiple romantic feelings
-Sporadic periods of meeting someone new and connecting with them romantically
-All parties to understand my sexual and romantic nature, and accept me for it
-Not to fear being judged or berated; seriously, my biggest fear is that nobody will understand and call me a cheater or say that I'm looking for free sex
The last part especially. I'm so terrified that how I feel is wrong, that I really should be okay with just one. I don't want to be seen as manipulative or corrupted. Every one of my relationships has shocked those around me when I end them. "She was so perfect for you, you two were great" is often thrown around. My close ones think I'm a deviant or a hound. I hate it.
Recently, I started talking to a woman that I met while on business upstate. I'm afraid that I've developed romantic feelings for her. And what I discovered is that 3 weeks of talking to her, I feel as romantically involved with her as with my girlfriend of 3 years, of whom I know everything about. I know I need to tell them both how I feel, but I'm so afraid of hurting them. I don't want them thinking that they as one aren't enough for me. Because there isn't a problem with either of them. There's a problem with me. I want to walk away and just sever my connection to them, to avoid hurting their sense of character. But I can't keep doing that to every relationship I have.
What can I do? How do I know if I'm really polyamorous? If things can't be salvaged with either one of them, how can I start fresh and find myself with other polyamorous people?
Last edited by Amiirov; 12-02-2013 at 07:24 AM.